November 16, 2013
Driving home from work tonight, I turned a corner in the road and there above the trees was this bright, clear full moon just beaming and shining. I observed some drivers behaving erratically and said a quick prayer. I was very happy when I turned the corner to my street and saw that my family were not out on the road with others who were driving badly. The BMW was parked in front of the house. I was happy to be home and looking forward to a night with my family. Working on the weekends makes me feel so BAD from the perspective of being a Mother. From the perspective of being a worker, I don't mind it at all because it's my way of being there for my clients. I had a good day at work today...slow, but good. And now, my thoughts turned to my kids and Jamie.
The night went so poorly after I got home. This seems to happen a lot. So many thoughts go through my mind as I have failure after failure at balancing my home life. What influences are at work here? Is this one of those situations where you are supposed to just hang in there, be patient and persevere? Or am I dealing with some seriously unhealthy conditions that I have created and/or propogated? My good friend was kind enough to comment on my last Blog entry about what it was I was feeling...and she is right. I feel like I am running out of time to fail and try and learn from mistakes. I thought this was my time. I thought I had arrived. I believed I was "coming into my own". But maybe none of it is true. So what is true? What should I believe?
I think a person is what they believe they are. So what do I believe about myself? I believe I am a powerful Manifestor. I believe I have a lot to offer people and I believe I am loving and worthy of love. Because I have always believed these things, my long relationship with my children's father practically destroyed my faith in myself...what little self esteem I had was completely destroyed there. I thought I had given myself plenty of time to heal and fix that issue. You cannot know what Love really is, looks like or feels like, unless you take the time to do the Inner Work. I thought I had done it. But the tests of this past year have been gut-wrenching for me. I believe the tests have been hard because I am worthy of having something great....in other words, I deserve something that is worth being tested so severely. I hope in what I believe. I hope it is true. I have hope, but it is hanging on by a thread. I am at my thread's end here.
I cannot say more, although I wish I could so that I could be fully expressed. But I love the people in my life...all of them. Some of my relationships have been very difficult lately. Some of my relationships have been difficult for years. My children need me now, like they always have and so those needs continue on, day by day, and change as the children change. Being a Mother puts every woman under pressure. I imagine being a Dad does too? I don't seem to be doing a very good job in partnerships because I feel a lot of ups and downs in these areas. I am sort of used to being a loner in many ways. I don't feel as strong as I expected I would at this point in my life. I always encourage people to follow their hearts. What does that even mean though? Maybe instead of our hearts (which can desire things based on unstable factors), we should follow our gut (instinct) which operates from unknown forces in the universe. My Counselor once taught me the STAR method: Stop-Think-Act Rationally.
I guess I feel this way right now: Anyone who wants me is my friend. Anyone who doesn't, is not.
Anyone who loves me would and should respect me, treat me with kindness, want to help, and make a positive impact. If someone truly loved me they would be happy when they see me and they would show it. They would feel the benefit of having me in their life outweighed anything else. They would genuinely like me. If someone loved me they would eagerly await my arrival and be relieved that I was there....they would cherish the precious moments we have together.
Anyone who doesn't love me, first of all, doesn't love themselves and thusly has not done their inner work, and would shout at me, make me feel embarrassed, stupid or humiliated for no good reason, and worst of all- would not be helping me achieve positive things in life. Rather than lifting burdens, they just create more weight on my shoulders and the air around us just feels heavy and loveless...and uninspired. We can tell what kind of tree we are by what kind of fruit we bear.
I have said all I can say for now. Please pray for me if you love me.
~Namaste
Lilac
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
Under the Bridge at Twilight
November 15, 2014
It's an amazing thing when unseen and unknown forces intervene.
I am not sure what this blog would have captured if I had written it last night instead of this morning. I am more removed now from the hot emotions that were fueling my feelings and thoughts last night. But one fact remains. Through writing, I am able to discover the Inner World. Through writing I also share that world with others.
In 2010 I started blogging on this particular Blog site. Back then it was Blogspot.com- I loved it. I still do. They allow for a lot of creative expression and they have awesome basic templates you can enhance. I can follow my readership stats; add on marketing or advertising and also promote my blog. I am not really sure what takes a persons blog to the next level and if I had been able to discover that, I may have found a way to use my writing to make money. Nevertheless, I am a tiny bit simple and old fashioned about some things. For example, I would prefer to be using my favorite pen and an oversized writing pad. But then those books lay gathering dust. Nothing happens and they are static and unrefined. Whereas using this online tool to Blog allows me to create, share and revise.
Anyway- When I feel confused and uncertain about life I like to go Under the Bridge. When I feel saddened or disheartened by issues beyond what I can fathom, I then turn to Twilight. So as you can see from my title, there is a whole lot of emotion bubbling just below the surface. Isn't that true of everyone though? So many people I meet are experiencing the same things I am. It is a battle, this life. The victors are those who refuse to give in to the emotions as those emotions are trying to take over the life experience. The survivors simply learn which battles to take on and which to sit back and dissolve with diplomacy and logic.
I am a fighter. Apparently. Apparently, I want to fight each one and I want to win also. I want to fight like a brave and not be a slave. I fear there is no compromise in me...maybe there is no compromise left? Maybe I have compromised all I can, and I can do it no more! Maybe? These are questions I am asking myself down here on the underside of the bridge of life. I can hear people and cars passing over me and I just want to sit here in the cool shadows and "mull things over". When I emerge will I be different? Will I have changed? What is the reason to change? What is my motivation to be different? Doesn't the motivation authentically have to be that I see something I could do better or be better? Plus, don't I need to see the merit in my compromise...the payoff for it? Perhaps it is obvious but I am just thinking to much about it and being too stubborn. Probably.
Where do you go when the world has you backed against a wall and you feel like you are being asked to surrender everything you desire and want and hope for and wish for? How do you handle that? I mea it. I would love some feedback here and not the kind you get in facebook post conversations. I want some real discussion in an intelligent forum. I do my hard work daily and diligently. I push myself and I really go all in. I do. I know the areas that need work and I have self-awareness. I do need some direction at times and I don't always control those complex emotions that come up. It makes things tricky in my friendships and work relationships too. But my awareness of it and my desire to improve, I feel, honestly....makes me a stronger person. I say that because I deliberately have to face my behavior and my feelings and sometimes admit my failure. But in each instance I come away a little less ego-driven and lot more conscious of my Inner Turmoil. It is difficult to let that SHIT come to the surface, but we must do it and bring it to judgement. If we can accomplish that, then we can overcome it. Overcoming it can lead to real Greatness in life, and frnakly- I want to be Great! I want to be Angel the Great...or Lilac the Great!
For the time being, I struggle along with great difficulty on the inside, attempting to make the outside world more balanced and productive. I have this great Career where I get to be challenged ALL the time. There is so much that I can do with it if I work at it. Everyday I have moments where I want to give up because that inner garbage feeds me lies like, "I am not cut out for this...not good enough...smart enough or talented enough. Too disorganized or cannot commit to this schedule...away from the kids too much....got into this line of work too late in the game, cannot keep up or compete with those who have been doing it longer/better". How many of you have had similar thoughts about your careers? I believe it...all of you right? I know it's true. If you say otherwise, I will not believe you. It's ok. We are all the same- all connected- all one energy of Light and creation. We are one. That is why I am reaching out to say these things because we are all alike. Everyone here has had a problem and everyone here has caused a problem. Everyone here has hurt a friend and everyone here has been hurt by one. Everyone here has caught a cold and everyone here has passed on a cold to someone else. Face it. We are all the same.
Something I have recently been experiencing that is hard for me is facing the fact that other people around me really like showing me my flaws and faults, and some of them react very poorly when I turn that back toward them so that they can see theirs. Perhaps they would say it is the other way around...that I do or say something that points out their flaws or faults and so they then do that to me. Either way we are dealing with that mirror-image thing, that REFLECTION. Because it really is true that we are the same and so I am flawed, and so is this other person in front of me. Just because I am a neat and tidy person who keeps a tight schedule at pretty much all costs, does not make me better than the person who is untidy, does not care for structure and seemingly is off schedule at everything in life. This person and I, when faced with each other, are still the same. We both feel slightly inadequate about our flaws. For example neat freak lady is bound by her structure and finds it nearly impossible to relax and allow for anything out of what feels normal to her, to happen. Meanwhile the other person, is bound by their stuff. I cannot elaborate as to what that stuff is, because I would not know...if I am not that way.
I think I have given myself and everyone reading, something to think about. I know I have plenty to meditate on. Today is Friday and my day off. I love to write and exercise and daydream on days like these...I just feel there is so little time with the huge amount of responsibility I currently feel weighed by, but there is freedom in that too. It feels good to have other relying on you and for you to actually possess the skill, strength or resources to be of service. Can I get an AMEN?
Love everyone and be Blessed!
Lilac
It's an amazing thing when unseen and unknown forces intervene.
I am not sure what this blog would have captured if I had written it last night instead of this morning. I am more removed now from the hot emotions that were fueling my feelings and thoughts last night. But one fact remains. Through writing, I am able to discover the Inner World. Through writing I also share that world with others.
In 2010 I started blogging on this particular Blog site. Back then it was Blogspot.com- I loved it. I still do. They allow for a lot of creative expression and they have awesome basic templates you can enhance. I can follow my readership stats; add on marketing or advertising and also promote my blog. I am not really sure what takes a persons blog to the next level and if I had been able to discover that, I may have found a way to use my writing to make money. Nevertheless, I am a tiny bit simple and old fashioned about some things. For example, I would prefer to be using my favorite pen and an oversized writing pad. But then those books lay gathering dust. Nothing happens and they are static and unrefined. Whereas using this online tool to Blog allows me to create, share and revise.
Anyway- When I feel confused and uncertain about life I like to go Under the Bridge. When I feel saddened or disheartened by issues beyond what I can fathom, I then turn to Twilight. So as you can see from my title, there is a whole lot of emotion bubbling just below the surface. Isn't that true of everyone though? So many people I meet are experiencing the same things I am. It is a battle, this life. The victors are those who refuse to give in to the emotions as those emotions are trying to take over the life experience. The survivors simply learn which battles to take on and which to sit back and dissolve with diplomacy and logic.
I am a fighter. Apparently. Apparently, I want to fight each one and I want to win also. I want to fight like a brave and not be a slave. I fear there is no compromise in me...maybe there is no compromise left? Maybe I have compromised all I can, and I can do it no more! Maybe? These are questions I am asking myself down here on the underside of the bridge of life. I can hear people and cars passing over me and I just want to sit here in the cool shadows and "mull things over". When I emerge will I be different? Will I have changed? What is the reason to change? What is my motivation to be different? Doesn't the motivation authentically have to be that I see something I could do better or be better? Plus, don't I need to see the merit in my compromise...the payoff for it? Perhaps it is obvious but I am just thinking to much about it and being too stubborn. Probably.
Where do you go when the world has you backed against a wall and you feel like you are being asked to surrender everything you desire and want and hope for and wish for? How do you handle that? I mea it. I would love some feedback here and not the kind you get in facebook post conversations. I want some real discussion in an intelligent forum. I do my hard work daily and diligently. I push myself and I really go all in. I do. I know the areas that need work and I have self-awareness. I do need some direction at times and I don't always control those complex emotions that come up. It makes things tricky in my friendships and work relationships too. But my awareness of it and my desire to improve, I feel, honestly....makes me a stronger person. I say that because I deliberately have to face my behavior and my feelings and sometimes admit my failure. But in each instance I come away a little less ego-driven and lot more conscious of my Inner Turmoil. It is difficult to let that SHIT come to the surface, but we must do it and bring it to judgement. If we can accomplish that, then we can overcome it. Overcoming it can lead to real Greatness in life, and frnakly- I want to be Great! I want to be Angel the Great...or Lilac the Great!
For the time being, I struggle along with great difficulty on the inside, attempting to make the outside world more balanced and productive. I have this great Career where I get to be challenged ALL the time. There is so much that I can do with it if I work at it. Everyday I have moments where I want to give up because that inner garbage feeds me lies like, "I am not cut out for this...not good enough...smart enough or talented enough. Too disorganized or cannot commit to this schedule...away from the kids too much....got into this line of work too late in the game, cannot keep up or compete with those who have been doing it longer/better". How many of you have had similar thoughts about your careers? I believe it...all of you right? I know it's true. If you say otherwise, I will not believe you. It's ok. We are all the same- all connected- all one energy of Light and creation. We are one. That is why I am reaching out to say these things because we are all alike. Everyone here has had a problem and everyone here has caused a problem. Everyone here has hurt a friend and everyone here has been hurt by one. Everyone here has caught a cold and everyone here has passed on a cold to someone else. Face it. We are all the same.
Something I have recently been experiencing that is hard for me is facing the fact that other people around me really like showing me my flaws and faults, and some of them react very poorly when I turn that back toward them so that they can see theirs. Perhaps they would say it is the other way around...that I do or say something that points out their flaws or faults and so they then do that to me. Either way we are dealing with that mirror-image thing, that REFLECTION. Because it really is true that we are the same and so I am flawed, and so is this other person in front of me. Just because I am a neat and tidy person who keeps a tight schedule at pretty much all costs, does not make me better than the person who is untidy, does not care for structure and seemingly is off schedule at everything in life. This person and I, when faced with each other, are still the same. We both feel slightly inadequate about our flaws. For example neat freak lady is bound by her structure and finds it nearly impossible to relax and allow for anything out of what feels normal to her, to happen. Meanwhile the other person, is bound by their stuff. I cannot elaborate as to what that stuff is, because I would not know...if I am not that way.
I think I have given myself and everyone reading, something to think about. I know I have plenty to meditate on. Today is Friday and my day off. I love to write and exercise and daydream on days like these...I just feel there is so little time with the huge amount of responsibility I currently feel weighed by, but there is freedom in that too. It feels good to have other relying on you and for you to actually possess the skill, strength or resources to be of service. Can I get an AMEN?
Love everyone and be Blessed!
Lilac
Monday, November 11, 2013
My Chance to Ride
November 11, 2013
11-11
Sign of Twin Flames
Good morning Bloggers!
I am here on this planet at this pivotal point in history, for a truly special reason....and so are you. I am not leaving until I get my chance.
My chance to Live
My chance to Play
My chance to Love
My chance to Create
My chance to Ride
I admire the many brilliant people who have come before me and I aspire to honor those who will come after me. I often stop and admire those walking beside me. I sometimes feel no one notices a thing I do or say. I often feel I am alone. Every day I feel a tiny bit lonely.
It's not a bad thing. I am just being honest today. The Ego in all of us is what makes us feel separated from others. I am made of the same substance of spirit as every other person on the planet. I feel separated when either my ego or their ego causes the disconnect. That is why I know there are Spiritual connections. Every time the walls come down, I can feel the blend of one to the other. It is healing.
Over the last 2 years, I have been moving forward on a remarkable journey. My journey to get in touch with my inner self and live out my TRUTH and my True Path. Pursuing this has already caused many profound changes in my life. Walking away from a Life Partner who was not interested in pursuing Truth and who wanted instead to live with Darkness....and being brave enough to lose everything I had and start over with almost nothing.
A year ago, the path I was on diverged to a most interesting place. I had no place to live. I had 2 children who depended on me. I had only just secured a sales job at the shoe store and was barely earning any money. I lived in a friend's basement. I needed food stamps because I could not afford food. Friends got together last Christmas and adopted my kids and me and got us gifts. We may have had a very empty holiday were it not for the generosity and love of the amazing people who have STOOD BY MY on this journey. They are my true friends. Thank you Holly; Rhyanedd, Dawn, Mary, Ursula, Lori, and many others who contributed!
So exactly a year ago, I sat in the driveway at a friend's house with my car packed overflowing with all of my possessions. I realized that after weeks of slowly moving a few times over to my boyfriend's house for storage, all the while slowly coming to trust that I could be safe there and my kids could be safe there...I realized that I had the last of my stuff packed in the car. I left my house key behind at my friend's house. I looked at my calendar: November 11, 11am. It was 11:11- the sign of Twin Flames.
Jamie has been my friend, my Rock, and my family for this past year. It has been as hard as it has been rewarding. I feel almost a 50/50 split of hard and easy. I never expected it to be that way. I expected things to be smoother because of our connection. When we were further apart from one another, everything flowed much more easily. Coming together was harder. It exposed to me how Jamie had been carrying me emotionally and physically. Now it was my chance to step up and do more for him. I found this to be much harder than anticipated.
In the summer that followed- Summer 2013, things began to shift again. The long hard winter we had that took so much out of us was followed by a softer, more motional springtime that allowed painful issues to surface that we needed to deal with. I was harsh and stubborn and caused Jamie a lot of pain because I was in so much pain myself. I had lost my Counselor and so I had no professional help. I needed to find a better job, and Jamie had just started his. There was a lot of pressure on us to establish some security for the family. These worries began to wear us down.
In the early part of the summer, a job did come for me. I say it came, because although I went looking, it really opened up for me and lead me to it. The summer of 2013 was spend establishing new routines and building a family infrastructure that was functional. The physical building blocks are now in places, while the mental and emotional ones are still becoming secured.
My whole life I have only just wanted to be loved. If anyone reading this feels the same way, then I recommend you think about what that means to you. We all have some visualized picture of what we think it looks and feels like...to find that perfect someone and live that perfect life. So how do you know if you have found that? How can you decide if your Twin Flame or Soul Mate is actually that person you are with? How can you be sure?
One way is to forget about everything you think you have ever learned about Love and Relationships. Forget what the majority says and forget what the TV and Media suggest. What you can see and feel and understand with your 5 senses really only represents about 1 % of the actual reality that exists. We need to perceive past that and be spiritual. Being Spiritual means that we arrive to decisions by belief and intuition based in the 99% realm that does exist but required effort to connect with.
A year ago there are things I would have "thrown away" because they made me uncomfortable about my life or they felt like too much work. Today those very things offer my balance and depth that I would not have understood or acquired had I walked away and given up. A year ago I was still bitter over my split up with my children's dad. It virtually drained my poor boyfriend of all his joy and happiness and it ripped his heart apart because all he ever tried to do...and had done since we first met in 2007....was offer me love and support and kindness and true friendship. Actually, this is what he offers everyone.
I would have thrown that away, as I have before. I would have looked away in judgement of his imperfections. Thankfully, my inner spirit guides me more than that outside stuff....not easily, but just barely (at the tipping point, the 51%)...Leo people tend to be very worldly and oriented in the Self. That is me completely. But my brave boyfriend dares to stand up to me and challenge every wall I build....even though it wears him out and makes him tired. But he has made me a better woman and a better Mother.
Is Jamie my TF? I think so. I know he believes it too. Does it feel like what we thought it would? Nope. Not even close. There are days when I think he looks at me and wonders what it was that made him work so hard to get me. And then I have days when I feel so insecure around him I wonder where that confident Lion disappeared and ran off to? She must have ventured off to a watering hole somewhere and left this shell of a girl behind to face the watery emotions of this fish I live with.
Jamie is like my Dad, John VanGyzen. They are so similar. When I was growing up my dad would go on these long speeches...I would say lectures. I got a lot out of them in spite of not wanting to be forced to listen. Years later, those words were impactful and helpful. It would be helpful to have Dad be there more for me in person, but at least the words and lessons have made a difference in my life. Jamie does this too...not so much with me, but with the kids and sometimes with our friends too. But I hope that people who have been on the receiving end of it, can value what Jamie has to offer. He has what I call the BBB- the Big Beautiful Brain.
He is Yin to my Yang. Jamie is my Divine Opposite and a wonderful Counterpart to me if I could learn to appreciate him. That is much harder than it seems. We do not naturally seek out and actively appreciate those things and traits and people that are so starkly different from us! We normally levitate toward similarities. The things that brough Jamie and I together have nothing to do with our similarities because in many ways, those areas where we are the same, are areas we both despise a bit. But the greatest thing we have in common and that which holds this love together is Our Path and Living out Our Purpose.
Jamie is more supportive of my dreams and hopes and desires, then any other person I have ever known. But he refuses to make it easy on me. He expects me to work for it. On his end of this relationship, I truly hope that I can Provide Love and companionship and support to help him achieve those dreams he has as well.
But today is a day I can feel joy. A year together...a year of life. A year of transition. A Chance to ride.
Love Everyone and Be Blessed,
Lilac~
11-11
Sign of Twin Flames
Good morning Bloggers!
I am here on this planet at this pivotal point in history, for a truly special reason....and so are you. I am not leaving until I get my chance.
My chance to Live
My chance to Play
My chance to Love
My chance to Create
My chance to Ride
I admire the many brilliant people who have come before me and I aspire to honor those who will come after me. I often stop and admire those walking beside me. I sometimes feel no one notices a thing I do or say. I often feel I am alone. Every day I feel a tiny bit lonely.
It's not a bad thing. I am just being honest today. The Ego in all of us is what makes us feel separated from others. I am made of the same substance of spirit as every other person on the planet. I feel separated when either my ego or their ego causes the disconnect. That is why I know there are Spiritual connections. Every time the walls come down, I can feel the blend of one to the other. It is healing.
Over the last 2 years, I have been moving forward on a remarkable journey. My journey to get in touch with my inner self and live out my TRUTH and my True Path. Pursuing this has already caused many profound changes in my life. Walking away from a Life Partner who was not interested in pursuing Truth and who wanted instead to live with Darkness....and being brave enough to lose everything I had and start over with almost nothing.
A year ago, the path I was on diverged to a most interesting place. I had no place to live. I had 2 children who depended on me. I had only just secured a sales job at the shoe store and was barely earning any money. I lived in a friend's basement. I needed food stamps because I could not afford food. Friends got together last Christmas and adopted my kids and me and got us gifts. We may have had a very empty holiday were it not for the generosity and love of the amazing people who have STOOD BY MY on this journey. They are my true friends. Thank you Holly; Rhyanedd, Dawn, Mary, Ursula, Lori, and many others who contributed!
So exactly a year ago, I sat in the driveway at a friend's house with my car packed overflowing with all of my possessions. I realized that after weeks of slowly moving a few times over to my boyfriend's house for storage, all the while slowly coming to trust that I could be safe there and my kids could be safe there...I realized that I had the last of my stuff packed in the car. I left my house key behind at my friend's house. I looked at my calendar: November 11, 11am. It was 11:11- the sign of Twin Flames.
Jamie has been my friend, my Rock, and my family for this past year. It has been as hard as it has been rewarding. I feel almost a 50/50 split of hard and easy. I never expected it to be that way. I expected things to be smoother because of our connection. When we were further apart from one another, everything flowed much more easily. Coming together was harder. It exposed to me how Jamie had been carrying me emotionally and physically. Now it was my chance to step up and do more for him. I found this to be much harder than anticipated.
In the summer that followed- Summer 2013, things began to shift again. The long hard winter we had that took so much out of us was followed by a softer, more motional springtime that allowed painful issues to surface that we needed to deal with. I was harsh and stubborn and caused Jamie a lot of pain because I was in so much pain myself. I had lost my Counselor and so I had no professional help. I needed to find a better job, and Jamie had just started his. There was a lot of pressure on us to establish some security for the family. These worries began to wear us down.
In the early part of the summer, a job did come for me. I say it came, because although I went looking, it really opened up for me and lead me to it. The summer of 2013 was spend establishing new routines and building a family infrastructure that was functional. The physical building blocks are now in places, while the mental and emotional ones are still becoming secured.
My whole life I have only just wanted to be loved. If anyone reading this feels the same way, then I recommend you think about what that means to you. We all have some visualized picture of what we think it looks and feels like...to find that perfect someone and live that perfect life. So how do you know if you have found that? How can you decide if your Twin Flame or Soul Mate is actually that person you are with? How can you be sure?
One way is to forget about everything you think you have ever learned about Love and Relationships. Forget what the majority says and forget what the TV and Media suggest. What you can see and feel and understand with your 5 senses really only represents about 1 % of the actual reality that exists. We need to perceive past that and be spiritual. Being Spiritual means that we arrive to decisions by belief and intuition based in the 99% realm that does exist but required effort to connect with.
A year ago there are things I would have "thrown away" because they made me uncomfortable about my life or they felt like too much work. Today those very things offer my balance and depth that I would not have understood or acquired had I walked away and given up. A year ago I was still bitter over my split up with my children's dad. It virtually drained my poor boyfriend of all his joy and happiness and it ripped his heart apart because all he ever tried to do...and had done since we first met in 2007....was offer me love and support and kindness and true friendship. Actually, this is what he offers everyone.
I would have thrown that away, as I have before. I would have looked away in judgement of his imperfections. Thankfully, my inner spirit guides me more than that outside stuff....not easily, but just barely (at the tipping point, the 51%)...Leo people tend to be very worldly and oriented in the Self. That is me completely. But my brave boyfriend dares to stand up to me and challenge every wall I build....even though it wears him out and makes him tired. But he has made me a better woman and a better Mother.
Is Jamie my TF? I think so. I know he believes it too. Does it feel like what we thought it would? Nope. Not even close. There are days when I think he looks at me and wonders what it was that made him work so hard to get me. And then I have days when I feel so insecure around him I wonder where that confident Lion disappeared and ran off to? She must have ventured off to a watering hole somewhere and left this shell of a girl behind to face the watery emotions of this fish I live with.
Jamie is like my Dad, John VanGyzen. They are so similar. When I was growing up my dad would go on these long speeches...I would say lectures. I got a lot out of them in spite of not wanting to be forced to listen. Years later, those words were impactful and helpful. It would be helpful to have Dad be there more for me in person, but at least the words and lessons have made a difference in my life. Jamie does this too...not so much with me, but with the kids and sometimes with our friends too. But I hope that people who have been on the receiving end of it, can value what Jamie has to offer. He has what I call the BBB- the Big Beautiful Brain.
He is Yin to my Yang. Jamie is my Divine Opposite and a wonderful Counterpart to me if I could learn to appreciate him. That is much harder than it seems. We do not naturally seek out and actively appreciate those things and traits and people that are so starkly different from us! We normally levitate toward similarities. The things that brough Jamie and I together have nothing to do with our similarities because in many ways, those areas where we are the same, are areas we both despise a bit. But the greatest thing we have in common and that which holds this love together is Our Path and Living out Our Purpose.
Jamie is more supportive of my dreams and hopes and desires, then any other person I have ever known. But he refuses to make it easy on me. He expects me to work for it. On his end of this relationship, I truly hope that I can Provide Love and companionship and support to help him achieve those dreams he has as well.
But today is a day I can feel joy. A year together...a year of life. A year of transition. A Chance to ride.
Love Everyone and Be Blessed,
Lilac~
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Why are we here?
September 8, 2013
I am glad to be here...to be on this planet. I am grateful I made it this far...to 2013. I was Divinely selected to be here on this journey at this time in history. I am grateful to be Annika and Alex's Mom. I am grateful to have had the love of some fantastic Parental Figures. I am blessed to have intuition, abilities and insights. I am overjoyed that I am becoming more confident each day.
All of the darkness that has lead to me today, all of the Light has lead me to today...all of it is good. All of it is good. Sometimes it feels bad, but all of it is good. I hope and pray that as years come and go, I can maintain equilibrium, balance, hope and enthusiasm despite and everchanging landscape.
I have always loved this blog...My True-Love Blog. This Blog is the one I was writing when I saw a vision for what my life could be like, and what it ought to be. I was Captured by a Spiritual Vision of it...like a beam of lightning that passed though my consciousness and I was changed from then forward. Anyone who hears these words might think I am crazy. But this was my experience. It lead me to scary places...it brought me closed to people and also it caused me distance from people. I have been on this journey since January of 2011, I think it was....I remember it was January.
In this last year so much has occurred that I can barely make sense of it all and I prefer to stop thinking of things in accordance with a timeline because I feel the timeline makes no sense. I feel time makes no sense.
I thought I was on a journey with a partner. I thought I had found something truly unique. Now I do not know what I have found. I feel like going way down deep into a quiet place where I am alone and no one can disturb what peace may exist there. I feel that I cannot handle being a partner...having someone depending on me and I feel unable to be the best I can for them because for some reason I am just not good enough. I don't understand it...I don't understand why I am not good enough, I'm just not.
I know I can take care of myself. I know I can take care of my kids. But beyond that I just don't know anymore.
Maybe I am here to Love myself. Maybe that is my lesson. Maybe that is why I am here.
Lilac
I am glad to be here...to be on this planet. I am grateful I made it this far...to 2013. I was Divinely selected to be here on this journey at this time in history. I am grateful to be Annika and Alex's Mom. I am grateful to have had the love of some fantastic Parental Figures. I am blessed to have intuition, abilities and insights. I am overjoyed that I am becoming more confident each day.
All of the darkness that has lead to me today, all of the Light has lead me to today...all of it is good. All of it is good. Sometimes it feels bad, but all of it is good. I hope and pray that as years come and go, I can maintain equilibrium, balance, hope and enthusiasm despite and everchanging landscape.
I have always loved this blog...My True-Love Blog. This Blog is the one I was writing when I saw a vision for what my life could be like, and what it ought to be. I was Captured by a Spiritual Vision of it...like a beam of lightning that passed though my consciousness and I was changed from then forward. Anyone who hears these words might think I am crazy. But this was my experience. It lead me to scary places...it brought me closed to people and also it caused me distance from people. I have been on this journey since January of 2011, I think it was....I remember it was January.
In this last year so much has occurred that I can barely make sense of it all and I prefer to stop thinking of things in accordance with a timeline because I feel the timeline makes no sense. I feel time makes no sense.
I thought I was on a journey with a partner. I thought I had found something truly unique. Now I do not know what I have found. I feel like going way down deep into a quiet place where I am alone and no one can disturb what peace may exist there. I feel that I cannot handle being a partner...having someone depending on me and I feel unable to be the best I can for them because for some reason I am just not good enough. I don't understand it...I don't understand why I am not good enough, I'm just not.
I know I can take care of myself. I know I can take care of my kids. But beyond that I just don't know anymore.
Maybe I am here to Love myself. Maybe that is my lesson. Maybe that is why I am here.
Lilac
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
HOME
Hi everyone! My life has changed so much. I am accustomed to writing in my blog on a daily basis. These last 8 to 10 months I have been able to only write about 10 blog entries altogether. Ok, ok...perhaps it was 20, but you get my point. I love to write and the ideas are always rattling about in this old brain. Today I literally HAD to stop washing my dishes at 10:30 at night (ugh!) because the idea of "home" kept nagging at my thoughts and I felt I should come write about it. I kept thinking about the old adage of
"home is where the heart is".
I thought about this and I came to the conclusion that this expression has been a little overlooked. I looked closer. I thought more about it and discovered that what resonated for me was more along the lines of, "home IS the heart". I think what we hold dear to us (in our heart), becomes the comfort we rely upon. That comfort...quite simply...we can translate that into HOME.
These Hydrangeas are from my old house. I had to leave them behind when I moved. It's not normal to uproot a plant when you leave your residence. It's not healthy. If I really wanted to do it, it could be done. But in the process, some of the root and some of the blossoms would have been affected. In time, the root's injuries would heal...and new blossoms would return. So it COULD be done. I always loved this hydrangea. I bought her as a single small blossom at Walmart one day. She was pink then. I planted her and for a few years I saw no growth, no real maturity. One summer she just simply began to blossom and then every summer after...more and more flowers! She is now about 5 years old. when I came to live at my new home, I felt sad about leaving behind the Lilacs and the Hydrangea and a few other favorite plants and flowers that I had been caring for a very long time. They were like my children! I nurtured them and spent time with them. I genuinely enjoyed them and I still miss them. I know that starting new can be a myriad of things. It can be scary...pleasurable...difficult...makes you insecure....the next place you go to is not always a complete step up into something better. Sometimes there is a transition period with many difficult things that must be managed before life gets better. How I handled this, was I planted a new hydrangea. It was one of the first things I did when spring came.
Acceptance of ourselves can go a long way in being satisfied with our HOME (or our heart). It is important to show compassion to ourselves ( and our hearts and homes). For example, when I look at this picture of my children's bicycles parked on the lawn near Jamie's motorcycle, I feel happy. It makes me happy because I realize I have a family...a big, messy, hectic, untidy family. They happen to love me and need me. When I see their things...ok, not every single time...but SOMETIMES...when I see their personal belongings on the lawn or somewhere...I smile because I know I am surrounded by love. Now, honestly there have been times (and I am NOT exaggerating here)...when I have literally stopped and cried when I see the messes and the disorder I live in. Life can be a challenge.
My friend Zinny recently said (on her facebook page Zin-Zen):
"home is where the heart is".
I thought about this and I came to the conclusion that this expression has been a little overlooked. I looked closer. I thought more about it and discovered that what resonated for me was more along the lines of, "home IS the heart". I think what we hold dear to us (in our heart), becomes the comfort we rely upon. That comfort...quite simply...we can translate that into HOME.
These Hydrangeas are from my old house. I had to leave them behind when I moved. It's not normal to uproot a plant when you leave your residence. It's not healthy. If I really wanted to do it, it could be done. But in the process, some of the root and some of the blossoms would have been affected. In time, the root's injuries would heal...and new blossoms would return. So it COULD be done. I always loved this hydrangea. I bought her as a single small blossom at Walmart one day. She was pink then. I planted her and for a few years I saw no growth, no real maturity. One summer she just simply began to blossom and then every summer after...more and more flowers! She is now about 5 years old. when I came to live at my new home, I felt sad about leaving behind the Lilacs and the Hydrangea and a few other favorite plants and flowers that I had been caring for a very long time. They were like my children! I nurtured them and spent time with them. I genuinely enjoyed them and I still miss them. I know that starting new can be a myriad of things. It can be scary...pleasurable...difficult...makes you insecure....the next place you go to is not always a complete step up into something better. Sometimes there is a transition period with many difficult things that must be managed before life gets better. How I handled this, was I planted a new hydrangea. It was one of the first things I did when spring came.
Acceptance of ourselves can go a long way in being satisfied with our HOME (or our heart). It is important to show compassion to ourselves ( and our hearts and homes). For example, when I look at this picture of my children's bicycles parked on the lawn near Jamie's motorcycle, I feel happy. It makes me happy because I realize I have a family...a big, messy, hectic, untidy family. They happen to love me and need me. When I see their things...ok, not every single time...but SOMETIMES...when I see their personal belongings on the lawn or somewhere...I smile because I know I am surrounded by love. Now, honestly there have been times (and I am NOT exaggerating here)...when I have literally stopped and cried when I see the messes and the disorder I live in. Life can be a challenge.
My friend Zinny recently said (on her facebook page Zin-Zen):
If something is uncomfortable in your life change it .. It's a choice
Don't allow your ego to hurt the people who care for you. Sit silently before you speak your next sentence. Don't let others destroy your inner peace. Hate/anger and jealousy .. Release it and see your life change. Let go your the past and it will let go of you...
Start living... In peace...
... happiness will bring abundance into your life.. Surround every situation with peace.. You can't control others.. Control yourself. Be who you are and know why you are here. Today I release what I can not control. I am love and I make the choice to have only love and peace in my life..
I came online to write about this subject and I saw her posting just before and thought how it really expresses my thoughts on this subject so well. I CANNOT control my home environment (my physical home...the house where I live). The reason I cannot control my home environment is mostly owing to the fact that it is actually not my house to control or to modify or to adjust. Now my Home (my heart)...that one I can control. I can adjust her and tweak her and correct her. In fact...where I live and the condition of my house and family, are interconnected and affect each other. But let's think about why and how they affect each other. The laws of the Universe suggest that we surround ourselves with what we attract! We are magnetic!
Our hearts are the magnet and what we think and feel creates the magnet's energy. Our thoughts and feelings are SO POWERFUL, that we literally magnetize to us the very things we want and need and think about. Somehow I wanted and needed something here in my current situation. If I want to see something different from what I am living in, I must change! I can change if I believe I can change and then all things around me will be affected. When I changed homes, I ended up in a different house...but I really loved flowers. I longed for them and I missed the ones I had been taking care of. I admired flowers, shopped for flowers, talked about flowers, photographed flowers.
And then one warm night...under a dusky sky, somewhere in Warwick...my children and I dug a hole and planted a single blue hydrangea. **Sigh** Feels like home.
Namaste~
Don't allow your ego to hurt the people who care for you. Sit silently before you speak your next sentence. Don't let others destroy your inner peace. Hate/anger and jealousy .. Release it and see your life change. Let go your the past and it will let go of you...
Start living... In peace...
... happiness will bring abundance into your life.. Surround every situation with peace.. You can't control others.. Control yourself. Be who you are and know why you are here. Today I release what I can not control. I am love and I make the choice to have only love and peace in my life..
I came online to write about this subject and I saw her posting just before and thought how it really expresses my thoughts on this subject so well. I CANNOT control my home environment (my physical home...the house where I live). The reason I cannot control my home environment is mostly owing to the fact that it is actually not my house to control or to modify or to adjust. Now my Home (my heart)...that one I can control. I can adjust her and tweak her and correct her. In fact...where I live and the condition of my house and family, are interconnected and affect each other. But let's think about why and how they affect each other. The laws of the Universe suggest that we surround ourselves with what we attract! We are magnetic!
Our hearts are the magnet and what we think and feel creates the magnet's energy. Our thoughts and feelings are SO POWERFUL, that we literally magnetize to us the very things we want and need and think about. Somehow I wanted and needed something here in my current situation. If I want to see something different from what I am living in, I must change! I can change if I believe I can change and then all things around me will be affected. When I changed homes, I ended up in a different house...but I really loved flowers. I longed for them and I missed the ones I had been taking care of. I admired flowers, shopped for flowers, talked about flowers, photographed flowers.
And then one warm night...under a dusky sky, somewhere in Warwick...my children and I dug a hole and planted a single blue hydrangea. **Sigh** Feels like home.
Namaste~
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Conscious Living vs Emotional Living
Hi everybody. Thanks for coming back to read these Blogs. Today I have some thoughts on my mind that I have been ruminating over for a while. This morning I was thinking about how bogged-down I feel when I let thoughts of my worries or other people's poor behavior toward me, get me down. I bet everyone reading this has had this experience before. Some of you go through it on a daily basis, riding the waves of the next emotional cue from a friend, lover or co-worker. You wonder how your day will go and what you will accomplish based on a set of variables over which you seem to have no control! If you cannot restrict the negative experience from happening you feel you are going to be victimized by it. This is a side-effect of our Third Dimensional Consciousness. What this means is that in our Flesh and Bones body and experiences, we believe the outside situations are in control. But the ACTUAL truth is that what we THINK about is in control. Our THOUGHTS are in control. Our thoughts can get out of control, but this we have the ability to manage and alter. What we lack is the conviction to use this ability consistently and effectively.
I have not met many people in my lifetime who are MORE emotional than me! I am the most irrational, emotional, anxiety-ridden, easily-offended person I know! This is a pretty tough list I just made. I become agitated, annoyed, depressed, confused, upset and indecisive repeatedly throughout my day, everyday. This way of living is very UN-spiritual. I do make the effort to meditate regularly, read literature about these topics and use techniques to head-off some of these "mental attacks", but I truly am not succeeding. If I were succeeding, so many parts of my life right now would reflect it and I could see all of my wonderful success and I would be living my life in the LIGHT and with Blessings that were visible. But what I see in my life is that there is some Love. There is some sharing. There is some hope and some faith. But there is also conflict. There is depression and sadness. There is confusion and there are dreams that are unfulfilled. This is not the plan of the creator but the aftermath of the destruction of the ego. In specific...my ego.
Let's talk about the idea of Mental Attacks. When I say this, I am referring to that voice in our thoughts that tells us things that are unhealthy for a Spiritual mind. The voice says we are not good enough. It says that HE thinks I am not good enough. It tells me that HE (or she) doesn't want me because I am not good enough and for some reason, not being wanted becomes the ultimate suffering. From there we start the downhill slide. So let's correct this thought together. How we correct this thought...the technique we will use...will be the tool for fixing other similar thoughts. So the person we love has let us down because they are not demonstrating the amount of attention towards us we wanted. Perhaps it is that we do not get the quantity of attention we hoped for, or attention in the right venues or situations. Perhaps they just don't use the words we want to hear or don't make us feel what we want them to make us feel. When I word it this way, does it make it easier for you to identify the problem? In these conditions, WE (the receiver) are perceiving that we lack something because it was not given to us. Also, WE (the receiver) are playing the part of a victim because we had an expectation but we were let down or rejected, hence victimized. In this scenario, WE (the receiver) are selfish and we want someone or something to give us the feeling of being fulfilled. Expecting other people to give us fulfillment is a trap that will leave us sad and empty.
There is another person on the other end of this scenario. If WE are the Receiver then that automatically makes THEM the Giver. They (the Giver) don't know that we are waiting for them to do or say something so that WE(the receiver) can perceive that WE are happy or fulfilled. Our Creator, The Light...is a Giver and we are all little vessels that receive some of the Light from the Giver of Light. But we were created to BE like the Creator and so that means that we receive Light but also we GIVE or SHARE it too. The Light does not give any less or more to any one vessel. There is abundance of it for all. But our vessel has to be the right SHAPE to receive, hold, and then share it. When our friends, lovers and co-workers or family members share light with us, it is the same thing. We must receive it but also share it. So as you can see from our previous exercise about the emotional, third dimensional person...such a person has decided that they are one or the other but not both. They BELIEVE 9wrongly) that they can only be a Giver or a Receiver and they choose one side. They then do not feel fulfilled because they were never supposed to be on just one side but they were supposed to be BOTH!
Anyone who is in a romantic relationship knows that if only one partner gives while the other receives all the time, then this coupleship will not last. Even the most giving person will grow weary and fed-up at never receiving what they always give out. Both partners must SHARE the LIGHT they receive from their Inner Purpose when they connect with their Creator. THAT Light should exist for the both of them to use together, and not for one side to use while the other gets nothing. A lot of people do not see this and they do not see the role in their own relationships correctly. There is a lot of disbalance when one person in a coupleship has emotional imbalances such as depression or anxiety. These types of conditions need treatment, focus and correction if the people affected by them are going to have any chance at being healthy and fulfilled.
I hope what I have shared helps others to understand this difficult condition that exists when we LIVE our lives EMOTIONALLY rather than in a Consciously-Driven way. We CAN control those emotions. We CAN adjust our thoughts. We CAN heal past hurts, no matter how bad they were. One of the key ways to do that is to simply let go of the past. When you let it go and do not give it any more energy of thought, it can be released from your consciousness. But when you do this, do not leave any sick limb hanging around because it will come right back into your life. Whatever the issue that is holding you back, you must be brave and heal the wound. You can do it. I know you can. Pray for me and I will Pray for you. Share your Love and you hopes with the people around you but most importantly, ask others to do the same with you.
Love Everyone and Be Blessed,
Lilac
I have not met many people in my lifetime who are MORE emotional than me! I am the most irrational, emotional, anxiety-ridden, easily-offended person I know! This is a pretty tough list I just made. I become agitated, annoyed, depressed, confused, upset and indecisive repeatedly throughout my day, everyday. This way of living is very UN-spiritual. I do make the effort to meditate regularly, read literature about these topics and use techniques to head-off some of these "mental attacks", but I truly am not succeeding. If I were succeeding, so many parts of my life right now would reflect it and I could see all of my wonderful success and I would be living my life in the LIGHT and with Blessings that were visible. But what I see in my life is that there is some Love. There is some sharing. There is some hope and some faith. But there is also conflict. There is depression and sadness. There is confusion and there are dreams that are unfulfilled. This is not the plan of the creator but the aftermath of the destruction of the ego. In specific...my ego.
Let's talk about the idea of Mental Attacks. When I say this, I am referring to that voice in our thoughts that tells us things that are unhealthy for a Spiritual mind. The voice says we are not good enough. It says that HE thinks I am not good enough. It tells me that HE (or she) doesn't want me because I am not good enough and for some reason, not being wanted becomes the ultimate suffering. From there we start the downhill slide. So let's correct this thought together. How we correct this thought...the technique we will use...will be the tool for fixing other similar thoughts. So the person we love has let us down because they are not demonstrating the amount of attention towards us we wanted. Perhaps it is that we do not get the quantity of attention we hoped for, or attention in the right venues or situations. Perhaps they just don't use the words we want to hear or don't make us feel what we want them to make us feel. When I word it this way, does it make it easier for you to identify the problem? In these conditions, WE (the receiver) are perceiving that we lack something because it was not given to us. Also, WE (the receiver) are playing the part of a victim because we had an expectation but we were let down or rejected, hence victimized. In this scenario, WE (the receiver) are selfish and we want someone or something to give us the feeling of being fulfilled. Expecting other people to give us fulfillment is a trap that will leave us sad and empty.
There is another person on the other end of this scenario. If WE are the Receiver then that automatically makes THEM the Giver. They (the Giver) don't know that we are waiting for them to do or say something so that WE(the receiver) can perceive that WE are happy or fulfilled. Our Creator, The Light...is a Giver and we are all little vessels that receive some of the Light from the Giver of Light. But we were created to BE like the Creator and so that means that we receive Light but also we GIVE or SHARE it too. The Light does not give any less or more to any one vessel. There is abundance of it for all. But our vessel has to be the right SHAPE to receive, hold, and then share it. When our friends, lovers and co-workers or family members share light with us, it is the same thing. We must receive it but also share it. So as you can see from our previous exercise about the emotional, third dimensional person...such a person has decided that they are one or the other but not both. They BELIEVE 9wrongly) that they can only be a Giver or a Receiver and they choose one side. They then do not feel fulfilled because they were never supposed to be on just one side but they were supposed to be BOTH!
Anyone who is in a romantic relationship knows that if only one partner gives while the other receives all the time, then this coupleship will not last. Even the most giving person will grow weary and fed-up at never receiving what they always give out. Both partners must SHARE the LIGHT they receive from their Inner Purpose when they connect with their Creator. THAT Light should exist for the both of them to use together, and not for one side to use while the other gets nothing. A lot of people do not see this and they do not see the role in their own relationships correctly. There is a lot of disbalance when one person in a coupleship has emotional imbalances such as depression or anxiety. These types of conditions need treatment, focus and correction if the people affected by them are going to have any chance at being healthy and fulfilled.
I hope what I have shared helps others to understand this difficult condition that exists when we LIVE our lives EMOTIONALLY rather than in a Consciously-Driven way. We CAN control those emotions. We CAN adjust our thoughts. We CAN heal past hurts, no matter how bad they were. One of the key ways to do that is to simply let go of the past. When you let it go and do not give it any more energy of thought, it can be released from your consciousness. But when you do this, do not leave any sick limb hanging around because it will come right back into your life. Whatever the issue that is holding you back, you must be brave and heal the wound. You can do it. I know you can. Pray for me and I will Pray for you. Share your Love and you hopes with the people around you but most importantly, ask others to do the same with you.
Love Everyone and Be Blessed,
Lilac
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Own your Actions and Choices
Hi everyone! Welcome to the True-Love Blog once again. I am happy that I am back writing in this Blog and on this topic of Love. It seems like we forget about Love until it burns us or lets us down in some way and then we find ourselves pondering the age-old question: "What is Love?" The truth is, LOVE actually isn't what let us down at all. Nor was it another person who let us down. We let ourselves down. Anything that happens to us exteriorly speaking, is actually happening to us on the THOUGHT or Mental level. It is fueled by what is happening to us on the emotional level. Then it manifests as situations in the physical world...things like lack, accidents, health problems and more. Some of my readers will believe this and some will not but assuming you are still reading I will continue. Love is not the emotional state or the condition of being so much as love is a LAW in the Universe and our Creator (The Light), exists within the Law of Love. There is no imperfection in this LOVE. Love just is. We experience the depth of what this great thing called Love really is when we have happy shared moments of joy and pleasure and ecstasy and fun. Unfortunately, human beings easily associate the LOVE with the PERSON who is sharing it. Love is either IN us or Lacking in us. Love is either a shared experience or is lacking. When there is an absence of the presence of Love in any person's behavior or choices, that person and all those connected with them and their choices, suffers. This is why we are commanded by great men and women from the past to LOVE EVERYBODY. Love your neighbor as yourself. How hard do people find that? It is damn near impossible to do it perfectly. So let's explore ways to improve on being Lovers, Loving People and Love-Manifestors.
Most people know and believe and accept the idea of paying it forward, right? We give freely...an act of kindness...to random strangers or people in need that we know. We strive to fill and meet the needs of people in our inner circles. We accept and love people where they are at. Most of us probably try to live this way but how many of you agree it is not so easy to do??? I believe there needs to be more community effort at Assisting people to continue acting in LOVE toward their fellow man and their friends and their families. It starts with one small act of kindness and then it grows and the circle widens. One of the best ways to start making this a "Way of Life" for yourself is to choose a Cause to start supporting or giving to. Give of yourself regularly. Give time and money. The more you give away to the needs of others, the greater the reward will return to you with feeling the presence of real Love.
I found myself thinking the other night about sickness...like long-term illnesses such as Cancer that is resistant to treatment. I thought about how many people (children too) who live with cancer (and balding and treatments) and all their time and resources are absorbed in the battle to rid their body of this poison. Then I widened my gaze to see their friends, family and supporters. There is no such thing as "normal life experiences" for these people. Everyday is like living a completely different kind of life then the majority of people around them. Some people get to go about their daily lives self-absorbed over their daily schedules and their little struggles. These people (I am among this group, by the way), feel loneliness and a lack of connection to the Light over and over during the course of their lives. But those dealing with the heavy burdens of something like what I described above, for them, NOTHING except beating the illness, really matters. They have this nearly singular focus. If they want to really heal and survive, they must fight and those who love them must do so also. They sacrifice, they pray, they listen to advice, they make decisions, they boldly follow-through. They HAVE TO DO IT. It is "Failure is not an option". In a way, I envy them.
Without having to go through such an ordeal, such as a life-altering illness or other life-altering condition, we CAN replicate the experience in order to connect with the Light of the Creator and the GREAT power of LOVE. We do this by living a life that is Full of LOVE. This means we dedicate each thing we do, think and feel...or say...to being TRUE, compassionate, open, real and honest. This also means that we allow our loved ones to really influence us toward being better. Expecting things is a slippery slope. Having expectations that other people, places, jobs, conditions, relationships or gifts, will bring us fullfillment or happiness, joy or Love...is false. It doesn't work that way. We do the right things and live the Right Way...and we are then living in the Light and living in Love. A very cool person I know, my coworker Kevin, taught me this: LOVE IS A VERB. It is not complacent. It takes action to produce Love, maintain Love, Share Love and also to cause it to grow and also to draw it to us. Life is very brief for each of us. We waste much of it waiting for others to cause happiness for us. I am guilty of this. I am struggling with this. I am too often in the depths of despair wishing to be saved emotionally, while the whole time I have the full ability to bring about the Love and Happiness I desire with no external help at all.
Furthering our practice in connecting to Love and the Light of our Creator and the Soul of what it means to be a Human Being, comes in Restriction. Restriction is the idea that although many things are available to us to attain, use or express...we are choosy and particular about which ones we allow in. Let me say this another way. We CAN have whatever it is we desire, but we should be CAREFUL what we choose because there are consequesnces to everything. This is a LAW of the universe, like Gravity is a Universal Law. If we think we can defy the law of gravity, we work against the law and we can get injured or die. So in the same way, if we ignore the fact that the Universal Laws are there and in effect because the Creator made them, we are still affected by them. We must learn to work WITH those energies and not AGAINST them. In a recent Lecture I was listening to by Michael Moskowitz, I was reminded that the power of the forces of chaos that exist around us, are STRONG. We cannot expect to go "toe to toe" with this chaos and be able to defend what is good. We must learn how to use the power of Love, Restriction, Faith and Deliberate Action to CREATE the life we want and need for ourselves and others.
If you are serious about making these changes in your life, I understand and support you. I endorse many great programs that exist to help you on your journey. Me and my boyfriend are believers in Kabbalah and that background of faith gives us the tools we need to work with the situations we face. Some people prefer Christian Tools, and others may like to learn from a more "Student-Teacher" learning environment. I have friends who recommend Landmark Forums. I found this link with a simple Google Search if that helps:
http://www.landmarkeducation.com/
I recommend if anyone is interested in forming a basis of knowledge in Kabbalah, that they learn from the people at the International Kabbalah Center using the following website link:
http://www.ukabbalah.com/home
Thanks for reading today. I hope you found it enriching. I am continuing to ask for people to inbox me with any advice or stories about LOVE and MARRIAGE. I would love some 1-3 paragraph detailed essays about what works and doesn't work. I plan to publish a book on this topic one day so any and all ideas are appreciated and will be documented properly. My email address is:
angelmarievangyzen@live.com
LOVE everybody and Be Blessed,
AngelMarie (Lilac)
Most people know and believe and accept the idea of paying it forward, right? We give freely...an act of kindness...to random strangers or people in need that we know. We strive to fill and meet the needs of people in our inner circles. We accept and love people where they are at. Most of us probably try to live this way but how many of you agree it is not so easy to do??? I believe there needs to be more community effort at Assisting people to continue acting in LOVE toward their fellow man and their friends and their families. It starts with one small act of kindness and then it grows and the circle widens. One of the best ways to start making this a "Way of Life" for yourself is to choose a Cause to start supporting or giving to. Give of yourself regularly. Give time and money. The more you give away to the needs of others, the greater the reward will return to you with feeling the presence of real Love.
I found myself thinking the other night about sickness...like long-term illnesses such as Cancer that is resistant to treatment. I thought about how many people (children too) who live with cancer (and balding and treatments) and all their time and resources are absorbed in the battle to rid their body of this poison. Then I widened my gaze to see their friends, family and supporters. There is no such thing as "normal life experiences" for these people. Everyday is like living a completely different kind of life then the majority of people around them. Some people get to go about their daily lives self-absorbed over their daily schedules and their little struggles. These people (I am among this group, by the way), feel loneliness and a lack of connection to the Light over and over during the course of their lives. But those dealing with the heavy burdens of something like what I described above, for them, NOTHING except beating the illness, really matters. They have this nearly singular focus. If they want to really heal and survive, they must fight and those who love them must do so also. They sacrifice, they pray, they listen to advice, they make decisions, they boldly follow-through. They HAVE TO DO IT. It is "Failure is not an option". In a way, I envy them.
Without having to go through such an ordeal, such as a life-altering illness or other life-altering condition, we CAN replicate the experience in order to connect with the Light of the Creator and the GREAT power of LOVE. We do this by living a life that is Full of LOVE. This means we dedicate each thing we do, think and feel...or say...to being TRUE, compassionate, open, real and honest. This also means that we allow our loved ones to really influence us toward being better. Expecting things is a slippery slope. Having expectations that other people, places, jobs, conditions, relationships or gifts, will bring us fullfillment or happiness, joy or Love...is false. It doesn't work that way. We do the right things and live the Right Way...and we are then living in the Light and living in Love. A very cool person I know, my coworker Kevin, taught me this: LOVE IS A VERB. It is not complacent. It takes action to produce Love, maintain Love, Share Love and also to cause it to grow and also to draw it to us. Life is very brief for each of us. We waste much of it waiting for others to cause happiness for us. I am guilty of this. I am struggling with this. I am too often in the depths of despair wishing to be saved emotionally, while the whole time I have the full ability to bring about the Love and Happiness I desire with no external help at all.
Furthering our practice in connecting to Love and the Light of our Creator and the Soul of what it means to be a Human Being, comes in Restriction. Restriction is the idea that although many things are available to us to attain, use or express...we are choosy and particular about which ones we allow in. Let me say this another way. We CAN have whatever it is we desire, but we should be CAREFUL what we choose because there are consequesnces to everything. This is a LAW of the universe, like Gravity is a Universal Law. If we think we can defy the law of gravity, we work against the law and we can get injured or die. So in the same way, if we ignore the fact that the Universal Laws are there and in effect because the Creator made them, we are still affected by them. We must learn to work WITH those energies and not AGAINST them. In a recent Lecture I was listening to by Michael Moskowitz, I was reminded that the power of the forces of chaos that exist around us, are STRONG. We cannot expect to go "toe to toe" with this chaos and be able to defend what is good. We must learn how to use the power of Love, Restriction, Faith and Deliberate Action to CREATE the life we want and need for ourselves and others.
If you are serious about making these changes in your life, I understand and support you. I endorse many great programs that exist to help you on your journey. Me and my boyfriend are believers in Kabbalah and that background of faith gives us the tools we need to work with the situations we face. Some people prefer Christian Tools, and others may like to learn from a more "Student-Teacher" learning environment. I have friends who recommend Landmark Forums. I found this link with a simple Google Search if that helps:
http://www.landmarkeducation.com/
I recommend if anyone is interested in forming a basis of knowledge in Kabbalah, that they learn from the people at the International Kabbalah Center using the following website link:
http://www.ukabbalah.com/home
Thanks for reading today. I hope you found it enriching. I am continuing to ask for people to inbox me with any advice or stories about LOVE and MARRIAGE. I would love some 1-3 paragraph detailed essays about what works and doesn't work. I plan to publish a book on this topic one day so any and all ideas are appreciated and will be documented properly. My email address is:
angelmarievangyzen@live.com
LOVE everybody and Be Blessed,
AngelMarie (Lilac)
Friday, March 8, 2013
Loneliness and Love
I thought I was ready to put this blog to rest and begin my journaling on other topics and other specialties. But I feel I am still at the same place with the same questions I had a year ago. So since I am clearly not finished yet, I forgive myself. I will forgive myself for being slow to learn and grow. I will also acknowledge that I am working hard to learn and grow. I will offer myself some praise and encouragement in times when I need it. I know that Real Love is simply Love. Love is not an emotion and when we feel our emotions are low or drained that is not failure at Love it is a Lack of Love. Lacking Love comes from inside of us and it is US not showing love to our fellow man. There are many people and children and groups and associations that need Love and Support. In fact, there is no possible way for any person to have "done enough" in any day.
I am struggling because I want Love but I want a kind of Love that I believed was real that probably isn't real. Sometimes I am trying to show affection or give affection and I feel rejected and that rejection hurts so much I want to close the door and go away forever. And so I feel Lonely, not in an emotionally needy way but just in a longing to be loved how I have always hoped to be loved sort of way. I bet many people reading this know how that feels. I can remember being a fairly young person (maybe 11 or 12 years old) and going to the library to read books about Love and what Love really was and whether or not there were special kinds of Love connections. The subject fascinates me and inspires me. Since I am still trying to get to the bottom of it all, I think I will embark on a project I was considering a while back. I want to interview people who are happily married and see what they have really been through in their marriages. I would like to see and hear the real scoop. I want to know if it's ok for your partner to experience long periods of not wanting to be around you or sleeping on the couch or just not seeing your point of view or understanding it at all. Can couples really survive that? Or are the happy ones able to avoid pitfalls like this? If so, how? How do successful couples really communicate? Is there yelling? Do you agree more often then you disagree? What external factors can turn your otherwise smooth relationship into a boiling pot? I really do want to know and understand.
If you would like your relationship to be a part of my study, please Inbox me at angelmarievangyzen@live.com
I am open to any and all input. In fact, If you would like to make a submission that I can publish either anonymously or with your name, Please enclose a 1 to 3 paragraph excerpt about what you think makes for a Healthy Partnership or Marriage. Be as specific and personal as you feel comfortable to be because speaking about these issues in general terms does not help us see what happens with real people. The real people are you and me and our real life situations and relationships. I hope you will help me learn and we can all learn together.
Sending you all Love and Blessings from my Heart,
AngelMarie
(Lilac Avonlea)
I am struggling because I want Love but I want a kind of Love that I believed was real that probably isn't real. Sometimes I am trying to show affection or give affection and I feel rejected and that rejection hurts so much I want to close the door and go away forever. And so I feel Lonely, not in an emotionally needy way but just in a longing to be loved how I have always hoped to be loved sort of way. I bet many people reading this know how that feels. I can remember being a fairly young person (maybe 11 or 12 years old) and going to the library to read books about Love and what Love really was and whether or not there were special kinds of Love connections. The subject fascinates me and inspires me. Since I am still trying to get to the bottom of it all, I think I will embark on a project I was considering a while back. I want to interview people who are happily married and see what they have really been through in their marriages. I would like to see and hear the real scoop. I want to know if it's ok for your partner to experience long periods of not wanting to be around you or sleeping on the couch or just not seeing your point of view or understanding it at all. Can couples really survive that? Or are the happy ones able to avoid pitfalls like this? If so, how? How do successful couples really communicate? Is there yelling? Do you agree more often then you disagree? What external factors can turn your otherwise smooth relationship into a boiling pot? I really do want to know and understand.
If you would like your relationship to be a part of my study, please Inbox me at angelmarievangyzen@live.com
I am open to any and all input. In fact, If you would like to make a submission that I can publish either anonymously or with your name, Please enclose a 1 to 3 paragraph excerpt about what you think makes for a Healthy Partnership or Marriage. Be as specific and personal as you feel comfortable to be because speaking about these issues in general terms does not help us see what happens with real people. The real people are you and me and our real life situations and relationships. I hope you will help me learn and we can all learn together.
Sending you all Love and Blessings from my Heart,
AngelMarie
(Lilac Avonlea)
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Twelves and Fives
So I will start with the Fibonacci Numbers. Below I have attached a link so that you can get a quick formula if you care to learn about it. There is so much information out there about different types of numbers and how to read them.
http://www.wikihow.com/Calculate-the-Fibonacci-Sequence
Recurring Numbers, Angel Numbers and Numerology all effect our way of life and our recognition of messages we are receiving from other people, places, things, possibly other Beings if you believe in that. These can be messages from our Angels or Crossed-over Loved Ones. Messages can be received or ignored by those of us living 3-Dimensional Lives here on Earth. Messages can be received with confusion or questions too. I guess I am a questioning receiver. And still others can receive the messages and have confidence that they can read and translate these messages. I personally accept the possiblity of Angel Messages. This resonates strongly with me. I write these blogs in hopes of not only sharing but also in the hope of unlocking secret knowledge within my own consciousness. I hope that by thinking, writing, dwelling on these questions and probing my inner psychy for the answers, that the answers will arise from my Inner Self. That is where the answers are in all of us.
So 2013 is 2 +0+1+3 =6 in Numerology.
I also see the number 13.
My new boyfriend and I, have a long history of the number 13 in our families and personal lives.
But more profoundly then that, for me has often been the recurring triple numbers like:
111
222
333
444
555
666
777
888
999
(1010)
(1111)
(1212)
For me, the last three also appear often. 1111 is the sign of Twin Flames and 1212 is my daughter's birthdate.
So has all this number stuff bored you to tears yet? Perhaps it has and if so I am sorry. Maybe I should discuss the impact of numbers. I use the constant barrage of numbers I see as reminders to say and do things such as to take a moment to say a Prayer for Peace and Love or Protection. Here are the Angel Messages associated with some of these:
The following are from a link found here:
http://spiritlibrary.com/doreen-virtue/number-sequences-from-the-angels
111 - Monitor your thoughts carefully, and be sure to only think about what you want, not what you don't want. This sequence is a sign that there is a gate of opportunity opening up, and your thoughts are manifesting into form at record speeds. The 111 is like the bright light of a flash bulb. It means the universe has just taken a snapshot of your thoughts and is manifesting them into form. Are you pleased with what thoughts the universe has captured? If not, correct your thoughts (ask your angels to help you with this if you have difficulty controlling or monitoring your thoughts).
222 - Our newly planted ideas are beginning to grow into reality. Keep watering and nurturing them, and soon they will push through the soil so you can see evidence of your manifestation. In other words, don't quit five minutes before the miracle. Your manifestation is soon going to be evident to you, so keep up the good work! Keep holding positive thoughts, keep affirming, and continue visualizing.
333 - The Ascended Masters are near you, desiring you to know that you have their help, love, and companionship. Call upon the Ascended Masters often, especially when you see the number 3 patterns around you. Some of the more famous Ascended Masters include: Jesus, Moses, Mary, Quan Yin, and Yogananda.
444 - The angels are surrounding you now, reassuring you of their love and help. Don't worry because the angels' help is nearby.
555 - Buckle your seatbelts. A major life change is upon you. This change should not be viewed as being "positive" or "negative," since all change is but a natural part of life's flow. Perhaps this change is an answer to your prayers, so continue seeing and feeling yourself being at peace.
666 - Your thoughts are out of balance right now, focused too much on the material world. This number sequence asks you to balance your thoughts between heaven and earth. Like the famous "Sermon on the Mount," the angels ask you to focus on spirit and service, and know your material and emotional needs will automatically be met as a result.
777 - The angels applaud you, congratulations, you're on a roll! Keep up the good work and know your wish is coming true. This is an extremely positive sign and means you should also expect more miracles to occur.
888 - A phase of your life is about to end, and this is a sign to give you forewarning to prepare. This number sequence may mean you are winding up an emotional career, or relationship phase. It also means there is light at the end of the tunnel. In addition, it means, "The crops are ripe. Don't wait to pick and enjoy them." In other words, don't procrastinate making your move or enjoying fruits of your labor.
999 - Completion. This is the end of a big phase in your personal or global life. Also, it is a message to lightworkers involved in Earth healing and means, "Get to work because Mother Earth needs you right now."
000 - A reminder you are one with God, and to feel the presence of your Creator's love within you. Also, it is a sign that a situation has gone full circle.
This is from Doreen Virtue's book, "Angel Numbers"
I see 555 all the time. I wake up in the morning and sit up and look at the clock...5:55. I am making dinner and look at the clock again...5:55. I see it everywhere. Needless to say to most of my friends and readers of this blog that my life has been far from simple these days. But it is all for the best. My life does get better. It has to go through difficulties on the path to improvement but it is improving. Having the courage to make changes is one part of why we are here on this planet. Another reason we are here is to use the Earth as a platform for growth of the Spirit and part of growing in spirit is learning to receive and share messages of the Spirit. When you hear the message and act on it you are making Love a reality.
I believe that my children are a wonderful gift not just to me but that they have a destiny here on Earth to accomplish wonderful things and I get to be one of their guides. I would love to hear your feedback about Messages, Numbers and Children. Please feel free to leave your comments.
Love Each Other and Be Blessed,
AngelMarie
Friday, January 18, 2013
2013 Warm Welcome to Love
Hi everyone, I Love to be in Love and feel loved and show love. Don't You?
I think we all inately experience this. We all are made for love and peace. Did you know that? Do you believe that? As much as we are all created to be loving, show love and experience love with our relationships, there is also much interference and guess who is responsible for it? We ALL are. It's not the Lovers vs the Fighters. We are ALL the Lovers and we are ALL the Fighters. We fight against love every minute of every day when we choose to let anger, fear, hatred, jealousy and many other kinds of loveless emotions pervade our thinking. The truth is we create what we think about.
So I have put this blog to sleep...The TRUE-LOVE Blog was begun during a period in my life when I was exploring the ideas of Love, Romance, True Love, Twin Flames, SoulMates, Karmic Relationships and Friendships. Today I was reviewing my blogs (I don't get as much time online as I used to) and I was drawn here. I am often drawn here to this blog, because the strong emotions I felt as I explored these ideas really give me a breath of fresh air to write something inspiring. Today I was looking for that little moment.
So what has 2013 brought for Lilac regarding Love and Life? Well, let's actually have a look back and review. Many friends and followers who read my blogs do know about some of my changes throughout the year 2012, but I (and they)probably have not looked at the year as a whole very closely and seen what a dramatic turn around has occurred. It has been a Shift...2012 brought many of these for many lives, not just mine.
2012 January, February: In the start of 2012 I was very involved in creating and managing my CBA Group activities along with my friends Sam, Bob and Alberta. It was on or about January 11th that I was given the Divine Knowledge about Twin Flames. I didn't know who it was but I knew that some people had one and I was supposed to be in a Twin Flame Relationship. I recognized that my partner at that time was not that person, and that he and I were caught up in the endgame of a twisted Karmic Relationship. I was ready to move on, but afraid because I have children and there were many threats being thrown around if I were to "try to leave". So I focused on Self-Improvement through Personal Development practices such as Yoga, Meditation, Reading literature about PD and working in small groups focusing on certain aspects of character building.
2012 March: As part of my future-planning, I was attempting to find myself an affordable vehicle and I reached out to a friend who I could trust to put me in a safe car. That friend (from my past) was Jamie. I realized by the end of the month that the Universe was drawing us together so that I could let him help me. He had more resources than I knew he had to help me.
2012 April: I had to ACT quickly to change my life. I felt it was time and that I was losing connection with the time to do it and so I decided that I had to make some bold decisions. I closed my home business and identified the exact day I wanted to leave the house. The question was, where am I going ??? I tried to make many arrangements. So many of my arrangements did not come together. I knew that if I asked my Partner to leave the house he would not go. I knew it would have to be me.
2012 May: I told my Partner I was leaving. He was furious. I had nowhere to go so I was going with Jamie. But by the end of the month, my partner had used his ability to twist my thinking and manipulate me to join his cause. I left for a weekend to see my sister in Florida. I flew there and back. It was a big step for me but having a Blood-relative who loves you unconditionally, hear your story and give it validation (in person)...was priceless. I came home and made a decision that instead of moving out of my house and going with Jamie, I would go to Florida. Maybe I would stay there. Maybe I would come back. I wasn't sure.
2012 June: I spent the month focused inward on my sad feelings of loss because I was doing what I was doing as a result of fear and not by choice. I was listening to the ideas of another person who was compelling me to act in the way he felt I needed to. I was afraid for my life and my children's lives. I planned our trip to Florida. I avoided Jamie.
2012 July: The first week of July was a disaster and I felt more depressed then ever but once we got on the road to Florida it became a mix of wonderful and challenging. I choose to remember the wonderful moments that occurred while my kids and I were able to explore and discover and spend time bonding with my sister Jessica and her family.
2012 August: The hardest work I have ever had to do was what I did the first 2 weeks of August. I had to free my mind of the programming that had changed my direction earlier in the year. I sat down at my sister's Dining Room table each morning for nearly 3 weeks and studied, meditated, and did the REAL work to investigate what it was my HEART wanted. I decided to stop being the effect and start being the cause (The Universal Law of Cause and Effect as taught by the International Kabbalah Center). I returned to Rhode Island and moved out of my home a week later.
2012 September: Attempting to keep my kids in the most normal life possible, I searched for a job while living in a friends basement with my children. I allowed their father to see them. I asked him for money. I did everything I had to do. I had Jamie by my side to help me this time. He wasn't leaving.
2012 October: Brilliant moments emerge in the darkest places sometimes. The shift that 2012 was to bring us all was already happening and many hidden things were coming to light. many people who had been "in power" were now losing their grip on those they held down. My daughter spent a few days in a hospital bed and had a real turnaround there. The Universal plan for her? I am not sure, but I know that she needed to be humbled by that experience to know she could trust me.
2012 November: Sometime in November I really learned to trust Jamie and our partnership. On 11-11, I moved myself and my kids into his home. Many, many many friends came to my side and his side to help us acquire a bunkbed, mattresses and other necessities to get our lives organized so that we could feel normal and take care of the kids.
2012 December: Ending this year with a new home, a new family situation, and a new attitude...there were many ups and downs but one very valuable lesson. Here is the lesson. Here is what it is:
WE ARE ALL CONNECTED. WHEN I SUFFER, YOU SUFFER. WHEN YOU SUFFER, I SUFFER. WHEN YOU GIVE I RECEIVE. WHEN I GIVE, YOU RECEIVE. We are here for each other. We are all here for each other. We are One. We are one energy and that energy flows freely from person to person unless it is blocked by emotions that are LACKING in Love. Let there be Love and the energy of love will flow freely to and from you. Let there be anger, jealousy, hatred, VIOLENCE (of thought or action), and there will be a blockage of Love.
2013 January: This chapter is under construction.
I love you all! Love everyone and BE BLESSED,
Lilac (AngelMarie)
I think we all inately experience this. We all are made for love and peace. Did you know that? Do you believe that? As much as we are all created to be loving, show love and experience love with our relationships, there is also much interference and guess who is responsible for it? We ALL are. It's not the Lovers vs the Fighters. We are ALL the Lovers and we are ALL the Fighters. We fight against love every minute of every day when we choose to let anger, fear, hatred, jealousy and many other kinds of loveless emotions pervade our thinking. The truth is we create what we think about.
So I have put this blog to sleep...The TRUE-LOVE Blog was begun during a period in my life when I was exploring the ideas of Love, Romance, True Love, Twin Flames, SoulMates, Karmic Relationships and Friendships. Today I was reviewing my blogs (I don't get as much time online as I used to) and I was drawn here. I am often drawn here to this blog, because the strong emotions I felt as I explored these ideas really give me a breath of fresh air to write something inspiring. Today I was looking for that little moment.
So what has 2013 brought for Lilac regarding Love and Life? Well, let's actually have a look back and review. Many friends and followers who read my blogs do know about some of my changes throughout the year 2012, but I (and they)probably have not looked at the year as a whole very closely and seen what a dramatic turn around has occurred. It has been a Shift...2012 brought many of these for many lives, not just mine.
2012 January, February: In the start of 2012 I was very involved in creating and managing my CBA Group activities along with my friends Sam, Bob and Alberta. It was on or about January 11th that I was given the Divine Knowledge about Twin Flames. I didn't know who it was but I knew that some people had one and I was supposed to be in a Twin Flame Relationship. I recognized that my partner at that time was not that person, and that he and I were caught up in the endgame of a twisted Karmic Relationship. I was ready to move on, but afraid because I have children and there were many threats being thrown around if I were to "try to leave". So I focused on Self-Improvement through Personal Development practices such as Yoga, Meditation, Reading literature about PD and working in small groups focusing on certain aspects of character building.
2012 March: As part of my future-planning, I was attempting to find myself an affordable vehicle and I reached out to a friend who I could trust to put me in a safe car. That friend (from my past) was Jamie. I realized by the end of the month that the Universe was drawing us together so that I could let him help me. He had more resources than I knew he had to help me.
2012 April: I had to ACT quickly to change my life. I felt it was time and that I was losing connection with the time to do it and so I decided that I had to make some bold decisions. I closed my home business and identified the exact day I wanted to leave the house. The question was, where am I going ??? I tried to make many arrangements. So many of my arrangements did not come together. I knew that if I asked my Partner to leave the house he would not go. I knew it would have to be me.
2012 May: I told my Partner I was leaving. He was furious. I had nowhere to go so I was going with Jamie. But by the end of the month, my partner had used his ability to twist my thinking and manipulate me to join his cause. I left for a weekend to see my sister in Florida. I flew there and back. It was a big step for me but having a Blood-relative who loves you unconditionally, hear your story and give it validation (in person)...was priceless. I came home and made a decision that instead of moving out of my house and going with Jamie, I would go to Florida. Maybe I would stay there. Maybe I would come back. I wasn't sure.
2012 June: I spent the month focused inward on my sad feelings of loss because I was doing what I was doing as a result of fear and not by choice. I was listening to the ideas of another person who was compelling me to act in the way he felt I needed to. I was afraid for my life and my children's lives. I planned our trip to Florida. I avoided Jamie.
2012 July: The first week of July was a disaster and I felt more depressed then ever but once we got on the road to Florida it became a mix of wonderful and challenging. I choose to remember the wonderful moments that occurred while my kids and I were able to explore and discover and spend time bonding with my sister Jessica and her family.
2012 August: The hardest work I have ever had to do was what I did the first 2 weeks of August. I had to free my mind of the programming that had changed my direction earlier in the year. I sat down at my sister's Dining Room table each morning for nearly 3 weeks and studied, meditated, and did the REAL work to investigate what it was my HEART wanted. I decided to stop being the effect and start being the cause (The Universal Law of Cause and Effect as taught by the International Kabbalah Center). I returned to Rhode Island and moved out of my home a week later.
2012 September: Attempting to keep my kids in the most normal life possible, I searched for a job while living in a friends basement with my children. I allowed their father to see them. I asked him for money. I did everything I had to do. I had Jamie by my side to help me this time. He wasn't leaving.
2012 October: Brilliant moments emerge in the darkest places sometimes. The shift that 2012 was to bring us all was already happening and many hidden things were coming to light. many people who had been "in power" were now losing their grip on those they held down. My daughter spent a few days in a hospital bed and had a real turnaround there. The Universal plan for her? I am not sure, but I know that she needed to be humbled by that experience to know she could trust me.
2012 November: Sometime in November I really learned to trust Jamie and our partnership. On 11-11, I moved myself and my kids into his home. Many, many many friends came to my side and his side to help us acquire a bunkbed, mattresses and other necessities to get our lives organized so that we could feel normal and take care of the kids.
2012 December: Ending this year with a new home, a new family situation, and a new attitude...there were many ups and downs but one very valuable lesson. Here is the lesson. Here is what it is:
WE ARE ALL CONNECTED. WHEN I SUFFER, YOU SUFFER. WHEN YOU SUFFER, I SUFFER. WHEN YOU GIVE I RECEIVE. WHEN I GIVE, YOU RECEIVE. We are here for each other. We are all here for each other. We are One. We are one energy and that energy flows freely from person to person unless it is blocked by emotions that are LACKING in Love. Let there be Love and the energy of love will flow freely to and from you. Let there be anger, jealousy, hatred, VIOLENCE (of thought or action), and there will be a blockage of Love.
2013 January: This chapter is under construction.
I love you all! Love everyone and BE BLESSED,
Lilac (AngelMarie)
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