My Chance to Ride

November 11, 2013
11-11
Sign of Twin Flames


Good morning Bloggers!

I am here on this planet at this pivotal point in history, for a truly special reason....and so are you.  I am not leaving until I get my chance.

My chance to Live
My chance to Play
My chance to Love
My chance to Create
My chance to Ride

I admire the many brilliant people who have come before me and I aspire to honor those who will come after me.  I often stop and admire those walking beside me.  I sometimes feel no one notices a thing I do or say.  I often feel I am alone.  Every day I feel a tiny bit lonely.

It's not a bad thing.  I am just being honest today.  The Ego in all of us is what makes us feel separated from others.  I am made of the same substance of spirit as every other person on the planet.  I feel separated when either my ego or their ego causes the disconnect.  That is why I know there are Spiritual connections.  Every time the walls come down, I can feel the blend of one to the other.  It is healing.

Over the last 2 years, I have been moving forward on a remarkable journey.  My journey to get in touch with my inner self and live out my TRUTH and my True Path.  Pursuing this has already caused many profound changes in my life.  Walking away from a Life Partner who was not interested in pursuing Truth and who wanted instead to live with Darkness....and being brave enough to lose everything I had and start over with almost nothing.

A year ago, the path I was on diverged to a most interesting place.  I had no place to live.  I had 2 children who depended on me.  I had only just secured a sales job at the shoe store and was barely earning any money.  I lived in a friend's basement.  I needed food stamps because I could not afford food.  Friends got together last Christmas and adopted my kids and me and got us gifts.  We may have had a very empty holiday were it not for the generosity and love of the amazing people who have STOOD BY MY on this journey.  They are my true friends.  Thank you Holly; Rhyanedd, Dawn, Mary, Ursula, Lori, and many others who contributed! 

So exactly a year ago, I sat in the driveway at a friend's house with my car packed overflowing with all of my possessions.  I realized that after weeks of slowly moving a few times over to my boyfriend's house for storage, all the while slowly coming to trust that I could be safe there and my kids could be safe there...I realized that I had the last of my stuff packed in the car.  I left my house key behind at my friend's house.  I looked at my calendar:  November 11, 11am.  It was 11:11- the sign of Twin Flames.

Jamie has been my friend, my Rock, and my family for this past year.  It has been as hard as it has been rewarding.  I feel almost a 50/50 split of hard and easy.  I never expected it to be that way.  I expected things to be smoother because of our connection.  When we were further apart from one another, everything flowed much more easily.  Coming together was harder.  It exposed to me how Jamie had been carrying me emotionally and physically.  Now it was my chance to step up and do more for him.  I found this to be much harder than anticipated.

In the summer that followed- Summer 2013, things began to shift again.  The long hard winter we had that took so much out of us was followed by a softer, more motional springtime that allowed painful issues to surface that we needed to deal with.  I was harsh and stubborn and caused Jamie a lot of pain because I was in so much pain myself.  I had lost my Counselor and so I had no professional help.  I needed to find a better job, and Jamie had just started his.  There was a lot of pressure on us to establish some security for the family.  These worries began to wear us down.

In the early part of the summer, a job did come for me.  I say it came, because although I went looking, it really opened up for me and lead me to it.  The summer of 2013 was spend establishing new routines and building a family infrastructure that was functional.  The physical building blocks are now in places, while the mental and emotional ones are still becoming secured.

My whole life I have only just wanted to be loved.  If anyone reading this feels the same way, then I recommend you think about what that means to you.  We all have some visualized picture of what we think it looks and feels like...to find that perfect someone and live that perfect life.  So how do you know if you have found that?  How can you decide if your Twin Flame or Soul Mate is actually that person you are with?  How can you be sure? 

One way is to forget about everything you think you have ever learned about Love and Relationships.  Forget what the majority says and forget what the TV and Media suggest.  What you can see and feel and understand with your 5 senses really only represents about 1 % of the actual reality that exists.  We need to perceive past that and be spiritual.  Being Spiritual means that we arrive to decisions by belief and intuition based in the 99% realm that does exist but required effort to connect with.

A year ago there are things I would have "thrown away" because they made me uncomfortable about my life or they felt like too much work.  Today those very things offer my balance and depth that I would not have understood or acquired had I walked away and given up.  A year ago I was still bitter over my split up with my children's dad.  It virtually drained my poor boyfriend of all his joy and happiness and it ripped his heart apart because all he ever tried to do...and had done since we first met in 2007....was offer me love and support and kindness and true friendship.  Actually, this is what he offers everyone.

I would have thrown that away, as I have before.  I would have looked away in judgement of his imperfections.  Thankfully, my inner spirit guides me more than that outside stuff....not easily, but just barely (at the tipping point, the 51%)...Leo people tend to be very worldly and oriented in the Self.  That is me completely.  But my brave boyfriend dares to stand up to me and challenge every wall I build....even though it wears him out and makes him tired.  But he has made me a better woman and a better Mother.

Is Jamie my TF?  I think so.  I know he believes it too.  Does it feel like what we thought it would?  Nope.  Not even close.  There are days when I think he looks at me and wonders what it was that made him work so hard to get me.  And then I have days when I feel so insecure around him I wonder where that confident Lion disappeared and ran off to?  She must have ventured off to a watering hole somewhere and left this shell of a girl behind to face the watery emotions of this fish I live with.

Jamie is like my Dad, John VanGyzen.  They are so similar.  When I was growing up my dad would go on these long speeches...I would say lectures.  I got a lot out of them in spite of not wanting to be forced to listen.  Years later, those words were impactful and helpful.  It would be helpful to have Dad be there more for me in person, but at least the words and lessons have made a difference in my life.  Jamie does this too...not so much with me, but with the kids and sometimes with our friends too.  But I hope that people who have been on the receiving end of it, can value what Jamie has to offer.  He has what I call the BBB- the Big Beautiful Brain. 

He is Yin to my Yang.  Jamie is my Divine Opposite and a wonderful Counterpart to me if I could learn to appreciate him.  That is much harder than it seems.  We do not naturally seek out and actively appreciate those things and traits and people that are so starkly different from us!  We normally levitate toward similarities.  The things that brough Jamie and I together have nothing to do with our similarities because in many ways, those areas where we are the same, are areas we both despise a bit.  But the greatest thing we have in common and that which holds this love together is Our Path and Living out Our Purpose.

Jamie is more supportive of my dreams and hopes and desires, then any other person I have ever known.  But he refuses to make it easy on me.  He expects me to work for it.  On his end of this relationship, I truly hope that I can Provide Love and companionship and support to help him achieve those dreams he has as well. 

But today is a day I can feel joy.  A year together...a year of life.  A year of transition.  A Chance to ride.

Love Everyone and Be Blessed,

Lilac~