Under the Bridge at Twilight

November 15, 2014
It's an amazing thing when unseen and unknown forces intervene.

I am not sure what this blog would have captured if I had written it last night instead of this morning.  I am more removed now from the hot emotions that were fueling my feelings and thoughts last night.  But one fact remains.  Through writing, I am able to discover the Inner World.  Through writing I also share that world with others.

In 2010 I started blogging on this particular Blog site.  Back then it was Blogspot.com- I loved it.  I still do.  They allow for a lot of creative expression and they have awesome basic templates you can enhance.  I can follow my readership stats; add on marketing or advertising and also promote my blog.  I am not really sure what takes a persons blog to the next level and if I had been able to discover that, I may have found a way to use my writing to make money.  Nevertheless, I am a tiny bit simple and old fashioned about some things.  For example, I would prefer to be using my favorite pen and an oversized writing pad.  But then those books lay gathering dust.  Nothing happens and they are static and unrefined.  Whereas using this online tool to Blog allows me to create, share and revise.

Anyway- When I feel confused and uncertain about life I like to go Under the Bridge.  When I feel saddened or disheartened by issues beyond what I can fathom, I then turn to Twilight. So as you can see from my title, there is a whole lot of emotion bubbling just below the surface.  Isn't that true of everyone though?  So many people I meet are experiencing the same things I am.  It is a battle, this life.  The victors are those who refuse to give in to the emotions as those emotions are trying to take over the life experience.  The survivors simply learn which battles to take on and which to sit back and dissolve with diplomacy and logic.

I am a fighter.  Apparently.  Apparently, I want to fight each one and I want to win also. I want to fight like a brave and not be a slave. I fear there is no compromise in me...maybe there is no compromise left?  Maybe I have compromised all I can, and I can do it no more!  Maybe?  These are questions I am asking myself down here on the underside of the bridge of life.  I can hear people and cars passing over me and I just want to sit here in the cool shadows and "mull things over".  When I emerge will I be different?  Will I have changed?   What is the reason to change?  What is my motivation to be different?  Doesn't the motivation authentically have to be that I see something I could do better or be better?  Plus, don't I need to see the merit in my compromise...the payoff for it?  Perhaps it is obvious but I am just thinking to much about it and being too stubborn.  Probably.

Where do you go when the world has you backed against a wall and you feel like you are being asked to surrender everything you desire and want and hope for and wish for?  How do you handle that?  I mea it.  I would love some feedback here and not the kind you get in facebook post conversations.  I want some real discussion in an intelligent forum.  I do my hard work daily and diligently.  I push myself and I really go all in.  I do.  I know the areas that need work and I have self-awareness.  I do need some direction at times and I don't always control those complex emotions that come up.  It makes things tricky in my friendships and work relationships too.  But my awareness of it and my desire to improve, I feel, honestly....makes me a stronger person.  I say that because I deliberately have to face my behavior and my feelings and sometimes admit my failure.  But in each instance I come away a little less ego-driven and lot more conscious of my Inner Turmoil.  It is difficult to let that SHIT come to the surface, but we must do it and bring it to judgement.  If we can accomplish that, then we can overcome it.  Overcoming it can lead to real Greatness in life, and frnakly- I want to be Great!  I want to be Angel the Great...or Lilac the Great!

For the time being, I struggle along with great difficulty on the inside, attempting to make the outside world more balanced and productive.  I have this great Career where I get to be challenged ALL the time.  There is so much that I can do with it if I work at it.  Everyday I have moments where I want to give up because that inner garbage feeds me lies like, "I am not cut out for this...not good enough...smart enough or talented enough.  Too disorganized or cannot commit to this schedule...away from the kids too much....got into this line of work too late in the game, cannot keep up or compete with those who have been doing it longer/better".  How many of you have had similar thoughts about your careers?  I believe it...all of you right?  I know it's true.  If you say otherwise, I will not believe you.  It's ok.  We are all the same- all connected- all one energy of Light and creation.  We are one.  That is why I am reaching out to say these things because we are all alike.  Everyone here has had a problem and everyone here has caused a problem.  Everyone here has hurt a friend and everyone here has been hurt by one.  Everyone here has caught a cold and everyone here has passed on a cold to someone else.  Face it.  We are all the same.

Something I have recently been experiencing that is hard for me is facing the fact that other people around me really like showing me my flaws and faults, and some of them react very poorly when I turn that back toward them so that they can see theirs.  Perhaps they would say it is the other way around...that I do or say something that points out their flaws or faults and so they then do that to me.  Either way we are dealing with that mirror-image thing, that REFLECTION.  Because it really is true that we are the same and so I am flawed, and so is this other person in front of me.  Just because I am a neat and tidy person who keeps a tight schedule at pretty much all costs, does not make me better than the person who is untidy, does not care for structure and seemingly is off schedule at everything in life.  This person and I, when faced with each other, are still the same.  We both feel slightly inadequate about our flaws.  For example neat freak lady is bound by her structure and finds it nearly impossible to relax and allow for anything out of what feels normal to her, to happen.  Meanwhile the other person, is bound by their stuff.  I cannot elaborate as to what that stuff is, because I would not know...if I am not that way.


I think I have given myself and everyone reading, something to think about.  I know I have plenty to meditate on.  Today is Friday and my day off.  I love to write and exercise and daydream on days like these...I just feel there is so little time with the huge amount of responsibility I currently feel weighed by, but there is freedom in that too. It feels good to have other relying on you and for you to actually possess the skill, strength or resources to be of service. Can I get an AMEN?

Love everyone and be Blessed!

Lilac