November 16, 2013
Driving home from work tonight, I turned a corner in the road and there above the trees was this bright, clear full moon just beaming and shining. I observed some drivers behaving erratically and said a quick prayer. I was very happy when I turned the corner to my street and saw that my family were not out on the road with others who were driving badly. The BMW was parked in front of the house. I was happy to be home and looking forward to a night with my family. Working on the weekends makes me feel so BAD from the perspective of being a Mother. From the perspective of being a worker, I don't mind it at all because it's my way of being there for my clients. I had a good day at work today...slow, but good. And now, my thoughts turned to my kids and Jamie.
The night went so poorly after I got home. This seems to happen a lot. So many thoughts go through my mind as I have failure after failure at balancing my home life. What influences are at work here? Is this one of those situations where you are supposed to just hang in there, be patient and persevere? Or am I dealing with some seriously unhealthy conditions that I have created and/or propogated? My good friend was kind enough to comment on my last Blog entry about what it was I was feeling...and she is right. I feel like I am running out of time to fail and try and learn from mistakes. I thought this was my time. I thought I had arrived. I believed I was "coming into my own". But maybe none of it is true. So what is true? What should I believe?
I think a person is what they believe they are. So what do I believe about myself? I believe I am a powerful Manifestor. I believe I have a lot to offer people and I believe I am loving and worthy of love. Because I have always believed these things, my long relationship with my children's father practically destroyed my faith in myself...what little self esteem I had was completely destroyed there. I thought I had given myself plenty of time to heal and fix that issue. You cannot know what Love really is, looks like or feels like, unless you take the time to do the Inner Work. I thought I had done it. But the tests of this past year have been gut-wrenching for me. I believe the tests have been hard because I am worthy of having something great....in other words, I deserve something that is worth being tested so severely. I hope in what I believe. I hope it is true. I have hope, but it is hanging on by a thread. I am at my thread's end here.
I cannot say more, although I wish I could so that I could be fully expressed. But I love the people in my life...all of them. Some of my relationships have been very difficult lately. Some of my relationships have been difficult for years. My children need me now, like they always have and so those needs continue on, day by day, and change as the children change. Being a Mother puts every woman under pressure. I imagine being a Dad does too? I don't seem to be doing a very good job in partnerships because I feel a lot of ups and downs in these areas. I am sort of used to being a loner in many ways. I don't feel as strong as I expected I would at this point in my life. I always encourage people to follow their hearts. What does that even mean though? Maybe instead of our hearts (which can desire things based on unstable factors), we should follow our gut (instinct) which operates from unknown forces in the universe. My Counselor once taught me the STAR method: Stop-Think-Act Rationally.
I guess I feel this way right now: Anyone who wants me is my friend. Anyone who doesn't, is not.
Anyone who loves me would and should respect me, treat me with kindness, want to help, and make a positive impact. If someone truly loved me they would be happy when they see me and they would show it. They would feel the benefit of having me in their life outweighed anything else. They would genuinely like me. If someone loved me they would eagerly await my arrival and be relieved that I was there....they would cherish the precious moments we have together.
Anyone who doesn't love me, first of all, doesn't love themselves and thusly has not done their inner work, and would shout at me, make me feel embarrassed, stupid or humiliated for no good reason, and worst of all- would not be helping me achieve positive things in life. Rather than lifting burdens, they just create more weight on my shoulders and the air around us just feels heavy and loveless...and uninspired. We can tell what kind of tree we are by what kind of fruit we bear.
I have said all I can say for now. Please pray for me if you love me.
~Namaste
Lilac
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