November 16, 2013
Driving home from work tonight, I turned a corner in the road and there above the trees was this bright, clear full moon just beaming and shining. I observed some drivers behaving erratically and said a quick prayer. I was very happy when I turned the corner to my street and saw that my family were not out on the road with others who were driving badly. The BMW was parked in front of the house. I was happy to be home and looking forward to a night with my family. Working on the weekends makes me feel so BAD from the perspective of being a Mother. From the perspective of being a worker, I don't mind it at all because it's my way of being there for my clients. I had a good day at work today...slow, but good. And now, my thoughts turned to my kids and Jamie.
The night went so poorly after I got home. This seems to happen a lot. So many thoughts go through my mind as I have failure after failure at balancing my home life. What influences are at work here? Is this one of those situations where you are supposed to just hang in there, be patient and persevere? Or am I dealing with some seriously unhealthy conditions that I have created and/or propogated? My good friend was kind enough to comment on my last Blog entry about what it was I was feeling...and she is right. I feel like I am running out of time to fail and try and learn from mistakes. I thought this was my time. I thought I had arrived. I believed I was "coming into my own". But maybe none of it is true. So what is true? What should I believe?
I think a person is what they believe they are. So what do I believe about myself? I believe I am a powerful Manifestor. I believe I have a lot to offer people and I believe I am loving and worthy of love. Because I have always believed these things, my long relationship with my children's father practically destroyed my faith in myself...what little self esteem I had was completely destroyed there. I thought I had given myself plenty of time to heal and fix that issue. You cannot know what Love really is, looks like or feels like, unless you take the time to do the Inner Work. I thought I had done it. But the tests of this past year have been gut-wrenching for me. I believe the tests have been hard because I am worthy of having something great....in other words, I deserve something that is worth being tested so severely. I hope in what I believe. I hope it is true. I have hope, but it is hanging on by a thread. I am at my thread's end here.
I cannot say more, although I wish I could so that I could be fully expressed. But I love the people in my life...all of them. Some of my relationships have been very difficult lately. Some of my relationships have been difficult for years. My children need me now, like they always have and so those needs continue on, day by day, and change as the children change. Being a Mother puts every woman under pressure. I imagine being a Dad does too? I don't seem to be doing a very good job in partnerships because I feel a lot of ups and downs in these areas. I am sort of used to being a loner in many ways. I don't feel as strong as I expected I would at this point in my life. I always encourage people to follow their hearts. What does that even mean though? Maybe instead of our hearts (which can desire things based on unstable factors), we should follow our gut (instinct) which operates from unknown forces in the universe. My Counselor once taught me the STAR method: Stop-Think-Act Rationally.
I guess I feel this way right now: Anyone who wants me is my friend. Anyone who doesn't, is not.
Anyone who loves me would and should respect me, treat me with kindness, want to help, and make a positive impact. If someone truly loved me they would be happy when they see me and they would show it. They would feel the benefit of having me in their life outweighed anything else. They would genuinely like me. If someone loved me they would eagerly await my arrival and be relieved that I was there....they would cherish the precious moments we have together.
Anyone who doesn't love me, first of all, doesn't love themselves and thusly has not done their inner work, and would shout at me, make me feel embarrassed, stupid or humiliated for no good reason, and worst of all- would not be helping me achieve positive things in life. Rather than lifting burdens, they just create more weight on my shoulders and the air around us just feels heavy and loveless...and uninspired. We can tell what kind of tree we are by what kind of fruit we bear.
I have said all I can say for now. Please pray for me if you love me.
~Namaste
Lilac
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
Under the Bridge at Twilight
November 15, 2014
It's an amazing thing when unseen and unknown forces intervene.
I am not sure what this blog would have captured if I had written it last night instead of this morning. I am more removed now from the hot emotions that were fueling my feelings and thoughts last night. But one fact remains. Through writing, I am able to discover the Inner World. Through writing I also share that world with others.
In 2010 I started blogging on this particular Blog site. Back then it was Blogspot.com- I loved it. I still do. They allow for a lot of creative expression and they have awesome basic templates you can enhance. I can follow my readership stats; add on marketing or advertising and also promote my blog. I am not really sure what takes a persons blog to the next level and if I had been able to discover that, I may have found a way to use my writing to make money. Nevertheless, I am a tiny bit simple and old fashioned about some things. For example, I would prefer to be using my favorite pen and an oversized writing pad. But then those books lay gathering dust. Nothing happens and they are static and unrefined. Whereas using this online tool to Blog allows me to create, share and revise.
Anyway- When I feel confused and uncertain about life I like to go Under the Bridge. When I feel saddened or disheartened by issues beyond what I can fathom, I then turn to Twilight. So as you can see from my title, there is a whole lot of emotion bubbling just below the surface. Isn't that true of everyone though? So many people I meet are experiencing the same things I am. It is a battle, this life. The victors are those who refuse to give in to the emotions as those emotions are trying to take over the life experience. The survivors simply learn which battles to take on and which to sit back and dissolve with diplomacy and logic.
I am a fighter. Apparently. Apparently, I want to fight each one and I want to win also. I want to fight like a brave and not be a slave. I fear there is no compromise in me...maybe there is no compromise left? Maybe I have compromised all I can, and I can do it no more! Maybe? These are questions I am asking myself down here on the underside of the bridge of life. I can hear people and cars passing over me and I just want to sit here in the cool shadows and "mull things over". When I emerge will I be different? Will I have changed? What is the reason to change? What is my motivation to be different? Doesn't the motivation authentically have to be that I see something I could do better or be better? Plus, don't I need to see the merit in my compromise...the payoff for it? Perhaps it is obvious but I am just thinking to much about it and being too stubborn. Probably.
Where do you go when the world has you backed against a wall and you feel like you are being asked to surrender everything you desire and want and hope for and wish for? How do you handle that? I mea it. I would love some feedback here and not the kind you get in facebook post conversations. I want some real discussion in an intelligent forum. I do my hard work daily and diligently. I push myself and I really go all in. I do. I know the areas that need work and I have self-awareness. I do need some direction at times and I don't always control those complex emotions that come up. It makes things tricky in my friendships and work relationships too. But my awareness of it and my desire to improve, I feel, honestly....makes me a stronger person. I say that because I deliberately have to face my behavior and my feelings and sometimes admit my failure. But in each instance I come away a little less ego-driven and lot more conscious of my Inner Turmoil. It is difficult to let that SHIT come to the surface, but we must do it and bring it to judgement. If we can accomplish that, then we can overcome it. Overcoming it can lead to real Greatness in life, and frnakly- I want to be Great! I want to be Angel the Great...or Lilac the Great!
For the time being, I struggle along with great difficulty on the inside, attempting to make the outside world more balanced and productive. I have this great Career where I get to be challenged ALL the time. There is so much that I can do with it if I work at it. Everyday I have moments where I want to give up because that inner garbage feeds me lies like, "I am not cut out for this...not good enough...smart enough or talented enough. Too disorganized or cannot commit to this schedule...away from the kids too much....got into this line of work too late in the game, cannot keep up or compete with those who have been doing it longer/better". How many of you have had similar thoughts about your careers? I believe it...all of you right? I know it's true. If you say otherwise, I will not believe you. It's ok. We are all the same- all connected- all one energy of Light and creation. We are one. That is why I am reaching out to say these things because we are all alike. Everyone here has had a problem and everyone here has caused a problem. Everyone here has hurt a friend and everyone here has been hurt by one. Everyone here has caught a cold and everyone here has passed on a cold to someone else. Face it. We are all the same.
Something I have recently been experiencing that is hard for me is facing the fact that other people around me really like showing me my flaws and faults, and some of them react very poorly when I turn that back toward them so that they can see theirs. Perhaps they would say it is the other way around...that I do or say something that points out their flaws or faults and so they then do that to me. Either way we are dealing with that mirror-image thing, that REFLECTION. Because it really is true that we are the same and so I am flawed, and so is this other person in front of me. Just because I am a neat and tidy person who keeps a tight schedule at pretty much all costs, does not make me better than the person who is untidy, does not care for structure and seemingly is off schedule at everything in life. This person and I, when faced with each other, are still the same. We both feel slightly inadequate about our flaws. For example neat freak lady is bound by her structure and finds it nearly impossible to relax and allow for anything out of what feels normal to her, to happen. Meanwhile the other person, is bound by their stuff. I cannot elaborate as to what that stuff is, because I would not know...if I am not that way.
I think I have given myself and everyone reading, something to think about. I know I have plenty to meditate on. Today is Friday and my day off. I love to write and exercise and daydream on days like these...I just feel there is so little time with the huge amount of responsibility I currently feel weighed by, but there is freedom in that too. It feels good to have other relying on you and for you to actually possess the skill, strength or resources to be of service. Can I get an AMEN?
Love everyone and be Blessed!
Lilac
It's an amazing thing when unseen and unknown forces intervene.
I am not sure what this blog would have captured if I had written it last night instead of this morning. I am more removed now from the hot emotions that were fueling my feelings and thoughts last night. But one fact remains. Through writing, I am able to discover the Inner World. Through writing I also share that world with others.
In 2010 I started blogging on this particular Blog site. Back then it was Blogspot.com- I loved it. I still do. They allow for a lot of creative expression and they have awesome basic templates you can enhance. I can follow my readership stats; add on marketing or advertising and also promote my blog. I am not really sure what takes a persons blog to the next level and if I had been able to discover that, I may have found a way to use my writing to make money. Nevertheless, I am a tiny bit simple and old fashioned about some things. For example, I would prefer to be using my favorite pen and an oversized writing pad. But then those books lay gathering dust. Nothing happens and they are static and unrefined. Whereas using this online tool to Blog allows me to create, share and revise.
Anyway- When I feel confused and uncertain about life I like to go Under the Bridge. When I feel saddened or disheartened by issues beyond what I can fathom, I then turn to Twilight. So as you can see from my title, there is a whole lot of emotion bubbling just below the surface. Isn't that true of everyone though? So many people I meet are experiencing the same things I am. It is a battle, this life. The victors are those who refuse to give in to the emotions as those emotions are trying to take over the life experience. The survivors simply learn which battles to take on and which to sit back and dissolve with diplomacy and logic.
I am a fighter. Apparently. Apparently, I want to fight each one and I want to win also. I want to fight like a brave and not be a slave. I fear there is no compromise in me...maybe there is no compromise left? Maybe I have compromised all I can, and I can do it no more! Maybe? These are questions I am asking myself down here on the underside of the bridge of life. I can hear people and cars passing over me and I just want to sit here in the cool shadows and "mull things over". When I emerge will I be different? Will I have changed? What is the reason to change? What is my motivation to be different? Doesn't the motivation authentically have to be that I see something I could do better or be better? Plus, don't I need to see the merit in my compromise...the payoff for it? Perhaps it is obvious but I am just thinking to much about it and being too stubborn. Probably.
Where do you go when the world has you backed against a wall and you feel like you are being asked to surrender everything you desire and want and hope for and wish for? How do you handle that? I mea it. I would love some feedback here and not the kind you get in facebook post conversations. I want some real discussion in an intelligent forum. I do my hard work daily and diligently. I push myself and I really go all in. I do. I know the areas that need work and I have self-awareness. I do need some direction at times and I don't always control those complex emotions that come up. It makes things tricky in my friendships and work relationships too. But my awareness of it and my desire to improve, I feel, honestly....makes me a stronger person. I say that because I deliberately have to face my behavior and my feelings and sometimes admit my failure. But in each instance I come away a little less ego-driven and lot more conscious of my Inner Turmoil. It is difficult to let that SHIT come to the surface, but we must do it and bring it to judgement. If we can accomplish that, then we can overcome it. Overcoming it can lead to real Greatness in life, and frnakly- I want to be Great! I want to be Angel the Great...or Lilac the Great!
For the time being, I struggle along with great difficulty on the inside, attempting to make the outside world more balanced and productive. I have this great Career where I get to be challenged ALL the time. There is so much that I can do with it if I work at it. Everyday I have moments where I want to give up because that inner garbage feeds me lies like, "I am not cut out for this...not good enough...smart enough or talented enough. Too disorganized or cannot commit to this schedule...away from the kids too much....got into this line of work too late in the game, cannot keep up or compete with those who have been doing it longer/better". How many of you have had similar thoughts about your careers? I believe it...all of you right? I know it's true. If you say otherwise, I will not believe you. It's ok. We are all the same- all connected- all one energy of Light and creation. We are one. That is why I am reaching out to say these things because we are all alike. Everyone here has had a problem and everyone here has caused a problem. Everyone here has hurt a friend and everyone here has been hurt by one. Everyone here has caught a cold and everyone here has passed on a cold to someone else. Face it. We are all the same.
Something I have recently been experiencing that is hard for me is facing the fact that other people around me really like showing me my flaws and faults, and some of them react very poorly when I turn that back toward them so that they can see theirs. Perhaps they would say it is the other way around...that I do or say something that points out their flaws or faults and so they then do that to me. Either way we are dealing with that mirror-image thing, that REFLECTION. Because it really is true that we are the same and so I am flawed, and so is this other person in front of me. Just because I am a neat and tidy person who keeps a tight schedule at pretty much all costs, does not make me better than the person who is untidy, does not care for structure and seemingly is off schedule at everything in life. This person and I, when faced with each other, are still the same. We both feel slightly inadequate about our flaws. For example neat freak lady is bound by her structure and finds it nearly impossible to relax and allow for anything out of what feels normal to her, to happen. Meanwhile the other person, is bound by their stuff. I cannot elaborate as to what that stuff is, because I would not know...if I am not that way.
I think I have given myself and everyone reading, something to think about. I know I have plenty to meditate on. Today is Friday and my day off. I love to write and exercise and daydream on days like these...I just feel there is so little time with the huge amount of responsibility I currently feel weighed by, but there is freedom in that too. It feels good to have other relying on you and for you to actually possess the skill, strength or resources to be of service. Can I get an AMEN?
Love everyone and be Blessed!
Lilac
Monday, November 11, 2013
My Chance to Ride
November 11, 2013
11-11
Sign of Twin Flames
Good morning Bloggers!
I am here on this planet at this pivotal point in history, for a truly special reason....and so are you. I am not leaving until I get my chance.
My chance to Live
My chance to Play
My chance to Love
My chance to Create
My chance to Ride
I admire the many brilliant people who have come before me and I aspire to honor those who will come after me. I often stop and admire those walking beside me. I sometimes feel no one notices a thing I do or say. I often feel I am alone. Every day I feel a tiny bit lonely.
It's not a bad thing. I am just being honest today. The Ego in all of us is what makes us feel separated from others. I am made of the same substance of spirit as every other person on the planet. I feel separated when either my ego or their ego causes the disconnect. That is why I know there are Spiritual connections. Every time the walls come down, I can feel the blend of one to the other. It is healing.
Over the last 2 years, I have been moving forward on a remarkable journey. My journey to get in touch with my inner self and live out my TRUTH and my True Path. Pursuing this has already caused many profound changes in my life. Walking away from a Life Partner who was not interested in pursuing Truth and who wanted instead to live with Darkness....and being brave enough to lose everything I had and start over with almost nothing.
A year ago, the path I was on diverged to a most interesting place. I had no place to live. I had 2 children who depended on me. I had only just secured a sales job at the shoe store and was barely earning any money. I lived in a friend's basement. I needed food stamps because I could not afford food. Friends got together last Christmas and adopted my kids and me and got us gifts. We may have had a very empty holiday were it not for the generosity and love of the amazing people who have STOOD BY MY on this journey. They are my true friends. Thank you Holly; Rhyanedd, Dawn, Mary, Ursula, Lori, and many others who contributed!
So exactly a year ago, I sat in the driveway at a friend's house with my car packed overflowing with all of my possessions. I realized that after weeks of slowly moving a few times over to my boyfriend's house for storage, all the while slowly coming to trust that I could be safe there and my kids could be safe there...I realized that I had the last of my stuff packed in the car. I left my house key behind at my friend's house. I looked at my calendar: November 11, 11am. It was 11:11- the sign of Twin Flames.
Jamie has been my friend, my Rock, and my family for this past year. It has been as hard as it has been rewarding. I feel almost a 50/50 split of hard and easy. I never expected it to be that way. I expected things to be smoother because of our connection. When we were further apart from one another, everything flowed much more easily. Coming together was harder. It exposed to me how Jamie had been carrying me emotionally and physically. Now it was my chance to step up and do more for him. I found this to be much harder than anticipated.
In the summer that followed- Summer 2013, things began to shift again. The long hard winter we had that took so much out of us was followed by a softer, more motional springtime that allowed painful issues to surface that we needed to deal with. I was harsh and stubborn and caused Jamie a lot of pain because I was in so much pain myself. I had lost my Counselor and so I had no professional help. I needed to find a better job, and Jamie had just started his. There was a lot of pressure on us to establish some security for the family. These worries began to wear us down.
In the early part of the summer, a job did come for me. I say it came, because although I went looking, it really opened up for me and lead me to it. The summer of 2013 was spend establishing new routines and building a family infrastructure that was functional. The physical building blocks are now in places, while the mental and emotional ones are still becoming secured.
My whole life I have only just wanted to be loved. If anyone reading this feels the same way, then I recommend you think about what that means to you. We all have some visualized picture of what we think it looks and feels like...to find that perfect someone and live that perfect life. So how do you know if you have found that? How can you decide if your Twin Flame or Soul Mate is actually that person you are with? How can you be sure?
One way is to forget about everything you think you have ever learned about Love and Relationships. Forget what the majority says and forget what the TV and Media suggest. What you can see and feel and understand with your 5 senses really only represents about 1 % of the actual reality that exists. We need to perceive past that and be spiritual. Being Spiritual means that we arrive to decisions by belief and intuition based in the 99% realm that does exist but required effort to connect with.
A year ago there are things I would have "thrown away" because they made me uncomfortable about my life or they felt like too much work. Today those very things offer my balance and depth that I would not have understood or acquired had I walked away and given up. A year ago I was still bitter over my split up with my children's dad. It virtually drained my poor boyfriend of all his joy and happiness and it ripped his heart apart because all he ever tried to do...and had done since we first met in 2007....was offer me love and support and kindness and true friendship. Actually, this is what he offers everyone.
I would have thrown that away, as I have before. I would have looked away in judgement of his imperfections. Thankfully, my inner spirit guides me more than that outside stuff....not easily, but just barely (at the tipping point, the 51%)...Leo people tend to be very worldly and oriented in the Self. That is me completely. But my brave boyfriend dares to stand up to me and challenge every wall I build....even though it wears him out and makes him tired. But he has made me a better woman and a better Mother.
Is Jamie my TF? I think so. I know he believes it too. Does it feel like what we thought it would? Nope. Not even close. There are days when I think he looks at me and wonders what it was that made him work so hard to get me. And then I have days when I feel so insecure around him I wonder where that confident Lion disappeared and ran off to? She must have ventured off to a watering hole somewhere and left this shell of a girl behind to face the watery emotions of this fish I live with.
Jamie is like my Dad, John VanGyzen. They are so similar. When I was growing up my dad would go on these long speeches...I would say lectures. I got a lot out of them in spite of not wanting to be forced to listen. Years later, those words were impactful and helpful. It would be helpful to have Dad be there more for me in person, but at least the words and lessons have made a difference in my life. Jamie does this too...not so much with me, but with the kids and sometimes with our friends too. But I hope that people who have been on the receiving end of it, can value what Jamie has to offer. He has what I call the BBB- the Big Beautiful Brain.
He is Yin to my Yang. Jamie is my Divine Opposite and a wonderful Counterpart to me if I could learn to appreciate him. That is much harder than it seems. We do not naturally seek out and actively appreciate those things and traits and people that are so starkly different from us! We normally levitate toward similarities. The things that brough Jamie and I together have nothing to do with our similarities because in many ways, those areas where we are the same, are areas we both despise a bit. But the greatest thing we have in common and that which holds this love together is Our Path and Living out Our Purpose.
Jamie is more supportive of my dreams and hopes and desires, then any other person I have ever known. But he refuses to make it easy on me. He expects me to work for it. On his end of this relationship, I truly hope that I can Provide Love and companionship and support to help him achieve those dreams he has as well.
But today is a day I can feel joy. A year together...a year of life. A year of transition. A Chance to ride.
Love Everyone and Be Blessed,
Lilac~
11-11
Sign of Twin Flames
Good morning Bloggers!
I am here on this planet at this pivotal point in history, for a truly special reason....and so are you. I am not leaving until I get my chance.
My chance to Live
My chance to Play
My chance to Love
My chance to Create
My chance to Ride
I admire the many brilliant people who have come before me and I aspire to honor those who will come after me. I often stop and admire those walking beside me. I sometimes feel no one notices a thing I do or say. I often feel I am alone. Every day I feel a tiny bit lonely.
It's not a bad thing. I am just being honest today. The Ego in all of us is what makes us feel separated from others. I am made of the same substance of spirit as every other person on the planet. I feel separated when either my ego or their ego causes the disconnect. That is why I know there are Spiritual connections. Every time the walls come down, I can feel the blend of one to the other. It is healing.
Over the last 2 years, I have been moving forward on a remarkable journey. My journey to get in touch with my inner self and live out my TRUTH and my True Path. Pursuing this has already caused many profound changes in my life. Walking away from a Life Partner who was not interested in pursuing Truth and who wanted instead to live with Darkness....and being brave enough to lose everything I had and start over with almost nothing.
A year ago, the path I was on diverged to a most interesting place. I had no place to live. I had 2 children who depended on me. I had only just secured a sales job at the shoe store and was barely earning any money. I lived in a friend's basement. I needed food stamps because I could not afford food. Friends got together last Christmas and adopted my kids and me and got us gifts. We may have had a very empty holiday were it not for the generosity and love of the amazing people who have STOOD BY MY on this journey. They are my true friends. Thank you Holly; Rhyanedd, Dawn, Mary, Ursula, Lori, and many others who contributed!
So exactly a year ago, I sat in the driveway at a friend's house with my car packed overflowing with all of my possessions. I realized that after weeks of slowly moving a few times over to my boyfriend's house for storage, all the while slowly coming to trust that I could be safe there and my kids could be safe there...I realized that I had the last of my stuff packed in the car. I left my house key behind at my friend's house. I looked at my calendar: November 11, 11am. It was 11:11- the sign of Twin Flames.
Jamie has been my friend, my Rock, and my family for this past year. It has been as hard as it has been rewarding. I feel almost a 50/50 split of hard and easy. I never expected it to be that way. I expected things to be smoother because of our connection. When we were further apart from one another, everything flowed much more easily. Coming together was harder. It exposed to me how Jamie had been carrying me emotionally and physically. Now it was my chance to step up and do more for him. I found this to be much harder than anticipated.
In the summer that followed- Summer 2013, things began to shift again. The long hard winter we had that took so much out of us was followed by a softer, more motional springtime that allowed painful issues to surface that we needed to deal with. I was harsh and stubborn and caused Jamie a lot of pain because I was in so much pain myself. I had lost my Counselor and so I had no professional help. I needed to find a better job, and Jamie had just started his. There was a lot of pressure on us to establish some security for the family. These worries began to wear us down.
In the early part of the summer, a job did come for me. I say it came, because although I went looking, it really opened up for me and lead me to it. The summer of 2013 was spend establishing new routines and building a family infrastructure that was functional. The physical building blocks are now in places, while the mental and emotional ones are still becoming secured.
My whole life I have only just wanted to be loved. If anyone reading this feels the same way, then I recommend you think about what that means to you. We all have some visualized picture of what we think it looks and feels like...to find that perfect someone and live that perfect life. So how do you know if you have found that? How can you decide if your Twin Flame or Soul Mate is actually that person you are with? How can you be sure?
One way is to forget about everything you think you have ever learned about Love and Relationships. Forget what the majority says and forget what the TV and Media suggest. What you can see and feel and understand with your 5 senses really only represents about 1 % of the actual reality that exists. We need to perceive past that and be spiritual. Being Spiritual means that we arrive to decisions by belief and intuition based in the 99% realm that does exist but required effort to connect with.
A year ago there are things I would have "thrown away" because they made me uncomfortable about my life or they felt like too much work. Today those very things offer my balance and depth that I would not have understood or acquired had I walked away and given up. A year ago I was still bitter over my split up with my children's dad. It virtually drained my poor boyfriend of all his joy and happiness and it ripped his heart apart because all he ever tried to do...and had done since we first met in 2007....was offer me love and support and kindness and true friendship. Actually, this is what he offers everyone.
I would have thrown that away, as I have before. I would have looked away in judgement of his imperfections. Thankfully, my inner spirit guides me more than that outside stuff....not easily, but just barely (at the tipping point, the 51%)...Leo people tend to be very worldly and oriented in the Self. That is me completely. But my brave boyfriend dares to stand up to me and challenge every wall I build....even though it wears him out and makes him tired. But he has made me a better woman and a better Mother.
Is Jamie my TF? I think so. I know he believes it too. Does it feel like what we thought it would? Nope. Not even close. There are days when I think he looks at me and wonders what it was that made him work so hard to get me. And then I have days when I feel so insecure around him I wonder where that confident Lion disappeared and ran off to? She must have ventured off to a watering hole somewhere and left this shell of a girl behind to face the watery emotions of this fish I live with.
Jamie is like my Dad, John VanGyzen. They are so similar. When I was growing up my dad would go on these long speeches...I would say lectures. I got a lot out of them in spite of not wanting to be forced to listen. Years later, those words were impactful and helpful. It would be helpful to have Dad be there more for me in person, but at least the words and lessons have made a difference in my life. Jamie does this too...not so much with me, but with the kids and sometimes with our friends too. But I hope that people who have been on the receiving end of it, can value what Jamie has to offer. He has what I call the BBB- the Big Beautiful Brain.
He is Yin to my Yang. Jamie is my Divine Opposite and a wonderful Counterpart to me if I could learn to appreciate him. That is much harder than it seems. We do not naturally seek out and actively appreciate those things and traits and people that are so starkly different from us! We normally levitate toward similarities. The things that brough Jamie and I together have nothing to do with our similarities because in many ways, those areas where we are the same, are areas we both despise a bit. But the greatest thing we have in common and that which holds this love together is Our Path and Living out Our Purpose.
Jamie is more supportive of my dreams and hopes and desires, then any other person I have ever known. But he refuses to make it easy on me. He expects me to work for it. On his end of this relationship, I truly hope that I can Provide Love and companionship and support to help him achieve those dreams he has as well.
But today is a day I can feel joy. A year together...a year of life. A year of transition. A Chance to ride.
Love Everyone and Be Blessed,
Lilac~
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